My thoughts, nothing more...

I realized that I started doing this weight loss thing for the wrong reasons at first. My honest first reason was because I wanted to meet more attractive women. Second reason, was because my friend had lost a lot of weight and was kind of shoving it in my face silently. Third reason was for myself. How horrible is that? My last reason should be my first. I still don't know if my last reason is my first yet, it definitely became my second as I do enjoy it now and am embracing the tougher challenge ahead.

This brings me to my second thing. I met a girl named Jenn. I met her through an online dating website. I never thought she would answer me, but she did. We have been talking through email, text and phone ever since then. We had a date on 7/29/09. The date was extremely successful and we both had a great time. I was even able to steal a small but memorable kiss that night. I come home and I think I fell into a trance. I can't explain it in words, but I am going to try. We emailed each other the next day and it was great. The problem was that I was so googly eyed over her that I thought I found the one person I was hoping for. I don't know how she feels, but I ended up saying somethings anxiously instead of waiting for the right moment. She canceled our date for Wednesday of last week and we rescheduled for tomorrow. I don't know, but I still think she is the one I have been waiting for. However, I don't know if I am still blinded. I do talk to her almost everyday, but it's either through text messages or email. We do the occasional phone calls which are always nice. I know this girl likes me. She told me she wanted to come home, because she wanted to see me on Monday. Phone calls are great, but it's hard to convey feelings in a text message. When tomorrow comes will I be of sound mind to make the right decision and not say how I feel. Ever think that waiting though was a mistake and you should follow how you feel and not what some people tell you. I am so nervous about tomorrow I think it's making my stomach turn.

My work has become better for me. I don't mind going in and I am going to follow through with my management training. I have to do something called Backroom Buzz which is like setting up the back room with TD style paraphernalia for people to see. I have to do this to continue through my program. I hope I have what it takes to finish.

School is coming ever so close again. I need to make sure my financial aid is in order before Thursday because I really need this so I can go. I am going to finish school and have a Bachelor's Degree. I am nervous about going again already which is weird. I accomplished a lot in one semester and think I should go in and make this semester better then the last.

I am so focused right now. As scared as I am, I feel that I know what I want. I am doing things to finally get it and I am achieving it. I should be so happy and proud, but something is tugging me in the back and pulling the happiness out of me. I don't know or understand why. One day, a friend's mother of mine asked me why don't I think I deserve to be happy. I have mentioned this before and I still do not know the answer. I feel I have to hold this burden for some reason. What that burden is I do not know. I almost feel important for something that is beyond my control. Tell me that doesn't sound crazy lol.