Ok

After calming down I realize that I am or did something really wrong. I must be doing something wrong. I feel more depressed. I think I would rather be angry than depressed. At least I know how to deal with anger. I just have the urge to break out and start punching something uncontrollably so contain myself. Almost like fighting the abstract that is depression.

Changing my life has been the most difficult thing ever. I did it a year ago and I am ALMOST regretting it. At least I was a blissful boob when I was fat and a loser. I now feel like a stepping stone. As I go to bed, depressed, I text a girl who I know is bad for me. However, I hate the feeling of being alone more than I hate being with the wrong person. Well, trying to be with the wrong person. I doubt she will text me back, but what the fuck am I thinking. I know it's wrong. I don't even think about her, but the feelings I had.

I feel like a piece of ugly shit.

I give up

Literally. Fuck internet dating, fuck dating, fuck meeting women, fuck it all.

I just.....

.....feel lost right now. When I feel I had control, I lost it. Control of my feelings is what I am saying. Why am I not in control of my feelings? How can I give one person so much power over me in such a short amount of time? I feel co-dependent on another person to survive. That is horrible. I want control back so bad. I don't know how to get it back.

This is all because of a girl, yet again. Why do I let myself get in these situations. I even had sex with her and it just seems all wrong. At the time of course it seems like the best idea in the world, but now, well, I honestly don't regret it. I think at that time I did have very strong feelings. Her decision to pull back has made my feelings for her change. I can't keep blaming myself for everything. I think I need to back away from this before it escalates any further. I think I will tell her tomorrow and begin yet another journey to find that woman who I want to spend my time with.

I did call that number for therapy. They did call me back and my insurance might not cover it. I am going to find out in about a week or so. Maybe this is the step I need to help me. I have most of my other affairs in order for my life. I want to be happy, I really do.

OMG!!

I no longer have a girlfriend lol. It's amazing what happens in a day or two. Damn right I am going to therapy. I need it big time.

I am.....

....just in awe finally. First off, I have a girlfriend. After almost five years I have a girlfriend. Things between me and her and going excellently. If I said I had nothing to complain about, well then, that just wouldn't be me now would it. I hate my feelings of inadequacy. I don't know what it is about me that I am so damn fucking hard on myself. You would think I had no self-esteem at all. I feel so dependent on her for my feelings that I feel ashamed to even call myself a man. I come off more as needy then as loving. It's starting to make me sick. I also realize that I don't make time to hang out with my friends. Then I realized, I really only have a select few. Reasons are not just because of how I am. Time is also another factor that holds me back from doing anything. I do not have a life. Now that I have a girlfriend, I feel dependent on her for a life. How selfish am I? She has a four year old daughter, who I have yet to meet. I am going to meet her soon as I got invited to her families Christmas brunch on the 20th of this month. I am excited to go. Since I know not many people read this, you need to know something. I am in love with her, not like the one before. I was infatuated with the one before. I think it was just the notion of having somebody interested in me. This time though, she told me she loves me. I can't explain it, but it's only been three weeks. She makes me feel so good when I see her and I talk to her. Apparently I make her feel the same. I do not know exactly what I am doing and I am scared.

Work is work honestly. I offered my services as a teller for the month I am off of school. It will actually benefit me even though I dislike being a teller. I will have off on the weekends and work early hours. Maybe I fit in a life in between that for the month.

My workout and diet are phenomenal. I have lost 101 pounds. I can actually see my two top stomach muscles protruding. I can lift a lot more and I am getting annoyed at how many times I have has to buy new clothes. As much as I am annoyed, it's a damn good feeling. This is the only aspect of my life that I am truly happy about. This makes me extremely depressed. Not "hurt myself" depressed, just "there has to be more that I could be doing but I am not" depressed.

School is actually good. I am a bit happy, but disappointed I still have three years left. I can't believe I have been in college for a year already. I am doing pretty good and will have my results for the entire semester soon. I am proud of myself a bit for this. I will feel better once I get at least an Associate's Degree. I will feel a bit accomplished.

My life has drastically changed in the past year it's surreal. I have a plan and goals which I never had in life. Again, I am disappointed in myself for waiting so long to do all these things. I just don't understand why I still have feelings of inadequacy. I should not be feeling this way. Finally, after talking about it, I am going to seek Therapy. I feel this is the next step that is going to help me live my life in a more fulfilling sense. I don't need purpose per say, we are all here and we must do what we have to. I just want it to mean something to me. I think that the therapist is going to have a field day with me.