....just in awe finally. First off, I have a girlfriend. After almost five years I have a girlfriend. Things between me and her and going excellently. If I said I had nothing to complain about, well then, that just wouldn't be me now would it. I hate my feelings of inadequacy. I don't know what it is about me that I am so damn fucking hard on myself. You would think I had no self-esteem at all. I feel so dependent on her for my feelings that I feel ashamed to even call myself a man. I come off more as needy then as loving. It's starting to make me sick. I also realize that I don't make time to hang out with my friends. Then I realized, I really only have a select few. Reasons are not just because of how I am. Time is also another factor that holds me back from doing anything. I do not have a life. Now that I have a girlfriend, I feel dependent on her for a life. How selfish am I? She has a four year old daughter, who I have yet to meet. I am going to meet her soon as I got invited to her families Christmas brunch on the 20th of this month. I am excited to go. Since I know not many people read this, you need to know something. I am in love with her, not like the one before. I was infatuated with the one before. I think it was just the notion of having somebody interested in me. This time though, she told me she loves me. I can't explain it, but it's only been three weeks. She makes me feel so good when I see her and I talk to her. Apparently I make her feel the same. I do not know exactly what I am doing and I am scared.
Work is work honestly. I offered my services as a teller for the month I am off of school. It will actually benefit me even though I dislike being a teller. I will have off on the weekends and work early hours. Maybe I fit in a life in between that for the month.
My workout and diet are phenomenal. I have lost 101 pounds. I can actually see my two top stomach muscles protruding. I can lift a lot more and I am getting annoyed at how many times I have has to buy new clothes. As much as I am annoyed, it's a damn good feeling. This is the only aspect of my life that I am truly happy about. This makes me extremely depressed. Not "hurt myself" depressed, just "there has to be more that I could be doing but I am not" depressed.
School is actually good. I am a bit happy, but disappointed I still have three years left. I can't believe I have been in college for a year already. I am doing pretty good and will have my results for the entire semester soon. I am proud of myself a bit for this. I will feel better once I get at least an Associate's Degree. I will feel a bit accomplished.
My life has drastically changed in the past year it's surreal. I have a plan and goals which I never had in life. Again, I am disappointed in myself for waiting so long to do all these things. I just don't understand why I still have feelings of inadequacy. I should not be feeling this way. Finally, after talking about it, I am going to seek Therapy. I feel this is the next step that is going to help me live my life in a more fulfilling sense. I don't need purpose per say, we are all here and we must do what we have to. I just want it to mean something to me. I think that the therapist is going to have a field day with me.
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