Yes, the sequel of my first tell all tale of my true feelings.
Let me just get this out of the way first. I now understand why I am single. I do not feel like I am good enough for any woman. There I said it. There are aspects of my life that feel inadequate for my age. No matter how much I change my physical appearance I realize that I feel worse now then when I was fat. I still haven't figured this out. I know I have so much to offer. I am so confused. This is one of my truest, deepest feelings. I feel trapped within myself.
...when something is gone, I want to fight to get it back again."-Pearl Jam 2009 (The Fixer)
Words I want to try and live on. I want my old self back again. I think I need to fight to get it back again. To elaborate, I mean how I use to be happy and care free. I need to find a reason to smile again. I really don't want to be alone anymore. I mean, girl, friend, and family wise. At this moment, I feel like I have nothing. I let pieces of myself be taken away from so many people. How do you gather them all back together?
I better go to bed. I know I have more, but I will leave the good people with some Pearl Jam songs I love.
I love his passion in this song. Besides loving the song as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFVlJAi3Cso&feature=related-Black
My favorite song in this universe....always has been since the first day I heard it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBhdbcRk1sA&feature=related-Yellow Ledbetter
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
A moment brought to you by..."WTF?!"
I think my car has a personal vendetta against me. It only decides to break down when I have something I think is important or when I am low on cash. I have spent 5+ years with my car. My problem is I just can't go out and buy a new one. I was suppose to be sitting back having some alcohol down in the Pine Barrens, but instead I was sitting with a tow truck driver while my car was being towed home. I went out and bought another new outfit and jeans that finally fit me for now or until I lose more weight and have to get a new pair again.
I have a date on Wednesday and I am already not feeling it. This isn't good. I think I am doing it because I am too scared to talk to women I do not know and fear of rejection is still pondering in my brain. I have a personality that just won't quit, but an attitude that has given up. I personally do not want to spend another holiday alone again. This really blows. I can not believe I can't attract something that I am interested in. Then again, meeting a girl at a bar is not my ideal way of meeting someone. I have gone out and was talking to girls at a bar, but a lot seemed too uppity and snobby. That's not for me.
I think as I keep trying to improve on the current me I keep losing the battle. I feel that every improvement I make a disappointment or problem has to arrive. School is no longer as exciting because of how mediocre I am doing. I can't be having these kind of grades. I honestly think this semester has a much larger work load and my English teacher is overly critical and expects us to perform the English language in such a way it is art. I do not possess this talent and I accept it. Certain things in life can not be changed and my English skillz be one of dem :P.
The only thing that keeps me chugging along is the gym. The diet kind of does, but going to the gym and getting those pumps out and taking my supplements makes me feel like a decent human being inside. I am losing the knack for meeting new people. I am so drawn on my insecurities and am destroying myself on the inside. Weird having a strong body, but a weak mind. No matter the amount of lifting I do, I do not know what good exercises their are for the brain. I do not know what exercises their are for control of the emotions.
I am just a friggin tangled mess still. Who knows...maybe, JUST MAYBE, tomorrow will be a good day.
I have a date on Wednesday and I am already not feeling it. This isn't good. I think I am doing it because I am too scared to talk to women I do not know and fear of rejection is still pondering in my brain. I have a personality that just won't quit, but an attitude that has given up. I personally do not want to spend another holiday alone again. This really blows. I can not believe I can't attract something that I am interested in. Then again, meeting a girl at a bar is not my ideal way of meeting someone. I have gone out and was talking to girls at a bar, but a lot seemed too uppity and snobby. That's not for me.
I think as I keep trying to improve on the current me I keep losing the battle. I feel that every improvement I make a disappointment or problem has to arrive. School is no longer as exciting because of how mediocre I am doing. I can't be having these kind of grades. I honestly think this semester has a much larger work load and my English teacher is overly critical and expects us to perform the English language in such a way it is art. I do not possess this talent and I accept it. Certain things in life can not be changed and my English skillz be one of dem :P.
The only thing that keeps me chugging along is the gym. The diet kind of does, but going to the gym and getting those pumps out and taking my supplements makes me feel like a decent human being inside. I am losing the knack for meeting new people. I am so drawn on my insecurities and am destroying myself on the inside. Weird having a strong body, but a weak mind. No matter the amount of lifting I do, I do not know what good exercises their are for the brain. I do not know what exercises their are for control of the emotions.
I am just a friggin tangled mess still. Who knows...maybe, JUST MAYBE, tomorrow will be a good day.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Nothing new
School is still heading down hill. I am getting crappy grades and I do not know why. I am doing good in Algebra though. I am not failing any class, but only getting by with a C average in most of my classes. I am going to do what I can to get the grades up to an A if not at least a B.
Work has been so shitty. I honestly do not want to go back anymore. With all the fuck ups, them forcing me to be a teller, it makes me wish I did this college thing years ago. There are times I wish they would fire me and I would try unemployment for a while. It's so difficult going in there anymore.
The gym and my diet still rock. I stopped losing weight, but that is part of the plan. I now need to keep working out and gaining muscle. I take my supplements and stick to my diet. I am becoming very strong and it's exciting. One of the few things I look forward to doing during the day.
Well, the last part is not a surprise. I am still single. I am still afraid to talk to women. I need to actually talk like I have something to offer which I think I do or at least will. Who knows though. I quit ALL of those online dating sites. I need a better plan. Like being myself and seeing what happens. Talking to people more in class which is weird. They are all kids to me. It's a start though.
Work has been so shitty. I honestly do not want to go back anymore. With all the fuck ups, them forcing me to be a teller, it makes me wish I did this college thing years ago. There are times I wish they would fire me and I would try unemployment for a while. It's so difficult going in there anymore.
The gym and my diet still rock. I stopped losing weight, but that is part of the plan. I now need to keep working out and gaining muscle. I take my supplements and stick to my diet. I am becoming very strong and it's exciting. One of the few things I look forward to doing during the day.
Well, the last part is not a surprise. I am still single. I am still afraid to talk to women. I need to actually talk like I have something to offer which I think I do or at least will. Who knows though. I quit ALL of those online dating sites. I need a better plan. Like being myself and seeing what happens. Talking to people more in class which is weird. They are all kids to me. It's a start though.
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