What was I thinking?

Sometimes I do not know when to do things. I know this for my slow progress through lifes trials and tribulations. I wonder sometimes after I do certain things, I asked myself, "What was I thinking?" It can pertain to asking a girl something, to saying something that comes out wrong, to doing something for 4 years and letting your body rot away from fat, cholestoral and all else there is that I ate.

I sit there and continually ask myself what was I thinking. For all these years feeling sorry for myself when it was my fault all along. I never took responsibility for my actions. Now I am and I must admit it feels really damn good. I never knew how good it would feel to take control of my life. Being in control of certain aspects is breath taking honestly.

The real reason for this blog was because of something I did today that I think was in poor taste to a degree. I feel it was right, but I stop and wish I could have presented it in a better manner. I pride myself on originality and like going above and beyond for anyone I have any type of feeling for. If you read this and I know you will, I am sorry. For presentation and timing and not for how I feel.

If I didn't have the gym as my outlet I do not know how I would be able to deal with my feelings or emotions. Yes Shane, thank you for being a good crutch for me and the gym homie. You are part of my inspiration and part challenge as I am going to crush you one day lol :p.

I have a problem

I have been thinking about this for a long time. I developed feelings for someone. I tried dismissing them as just mere exposure therapy. The more you are surrounded by someone the more you get to like that person. I thought about it often and I sit here and I think about their her being often. I wonder how she is doing and if she is happy. I kind of wish I had the chance to at least see if it would progress anywhere beyond to where it is now. I believe I have an unknown power to make people laugh and make people happy. There was no study, no long term research to help me conclude to this. My mother always told us about how to treat a woman. Lol, I remember the first girl I went out with my mom was so angry with me because I wasn't doing what she said. I am sure it would have worked, but I just turned 14 years old. Kind of makes me think of how much things have changed since I was a kid. Most of my relationships ended because I had no real feelings for that person, got cheated on, or was ignored in a time I had a serious need. It happens, and the one I had no feelings for, we parted on good terms. The other ones not so much.

I have a problem. My problem is I don't feel I am good enough. Whew, there I said it. It has been a plague of mine for so long. I know where it stems from and how I developed it. I am not divulging that information, but it all effects my self-esteem levels. It's a domino effect of that unravels and knocks me down. Of course I hate feeling this way and having this. I have been doing things to try and change it around. I been going to the gym to work on my physical aspect. I am going to school to try to have a real and fulfilling career. I try to go out and do things so my life doesn't seem so bland. I wonder why I still have this problem.

I will probably will never tell this person. I am sure she has an idea that I do. I sometimes think I try too hard. It has just been bothering me to the point of frustration. I do not know what to do about this problem. People will give me advice and they make it sound like the easiest thing in the fucking world. I only wish it were so easy. The only thing I can do is ask one day. I just have to do it before it's too late. I want to be happy.

Somebody once asked me this question and I have been stumped on it, "Why don't you think you deserve to be happy Tony?" I have no idea.

How are you inspired?

I believe that it's not the movies itself that inspire us. The story that is told is the inspiration. Do you believe you are an inspiration to anyone? I believe you are. If for some reason you were no longer around, would you be missed by anyone? Of course you would be missed. Do you believe you inspired them at all? Inspiration is defined as arousal of the mind to special unusual activity or creativity. We may do that everyday and not realize it. It's a special thing.

You have to live everyday like it's special. It is a gift, because one day we won't be here. Our DNA gets carried down, but our thoughts and memories still continue to travel through each and every one of us. My Dad tells me stories about what his father did for him and he does the same for me. I believe I am inspired. I am inspired by everything.

I don't know....

Being strong and to be courageous can sometimes be quite contagious.
Being alive and being here is like a dream that we should all adhere.
Feeling empty and feeling hopeless sometime requires power and focus.
Being hurt inside, swallows your pride, something that we shouldn't have to coincide
with, we need that spark we need that fire, fills us with motivation and desire.
As I go to sleep, feelings run deep, pride I am swallowing is just too steep.
I close my eyes and I dream a dream of being near a ledge so I can scream.
I do look down, but I don't jump off, so is something inside me off.
As I awake in the morning to start a new day, I am thankful for this day.

I feel lost inside

I feel extremely lost inside. Lonely, I mean, LONELY! I sometimes hate posting on here. Only a few people read this, but man, it actually hurts right now. I don't think the quick two glasses of rum and coke in 15 minutes helped me either. It brought me to a state of zen until a friend asked me how I was and I actually thought about it. It depressed me severely. I believe in my heart that I will make one woman so happy. I try to look my best, from the gym, to buying new clothes to keeping my hygiene up to par. I wonder why alcohol is such an inhibitor.

There is so much I want to say sometimes, but am so afraid someone will discover the real me. I been having some fucked up dreams that I don't want to talk about. Let's just say I woke up from one so vivid I felt my heart drop as I awakened. I couldn't sleep for over an hour. I paced and walked in my room for a while. I hopped on the internet hoping the dream I had would stop haunting my thoughts. They were so surreal that I can still remember the end of it which still scares the shit out of me. I hope it will eventually leave my thoughts one day and when I read this I will wonder what I am talking about it.

If people read my real journal, I wonder what some of them would actually think. That has my true innermost thoughts in it. I would be afraid to lose it. I think certain people wouldn't talk to me anymore. Some people would wonder why there not in it. It's nothing personal, I think if you are not in it then that's a good thing, because if you are in it, it impacted me somehow, good or bad.

The gym changed me, for the better. I think one of the good things I am going to write about. I was on my way to the gym today driving and thinking about why I go. A good feeling swept through me like a chilled breeze on a hot summer day. I was in a trance. I zoned into the music I was listening to and finish my ride. At the gym, I stacked on an extra ten pounds on the to ab core. I can do 45 pounds where when I first started there was no weight on there. I can curl 100 pounds, could barely lift 60 when I started. Tomorrow is a heavy lifting day that the trainer has me do. It's honestly a extremely hard workout. Lots of cardio, keeping the cross trainer machine at resistance level 11 for 3 minutes, pedaling over 70 RPMs per minute take a lot out of you. I have to do that twice during my workout and finish it off with 15 more minutes of cardio. I am sometimes surprised that I can accomplish all this. My motivation for the gym is off the charts.

I need to go on a real vacation away from my current life. Of course I can't afford it. I want to sit in the sun and wallow in it's magnificient glory. I haven't had a tan in years because I was so embarrased on how fat I had become. I started losing weight because of a cruise to the Bahamas. How odd is that? A little cruise where I had a fabulous time turned my life around. It's those weird things that keep my on my toes. I need to start saving or at least head to the shore some days when I am off.

I don't want to work tomorrow. It's a cesspool of lazy people who stand around and expect you to do all the work while they get paid more and feel they been there longer so they shouldn't have to help. There are times I wanted to jump across the table and just ask my co-workers why they are there. I dread going and being there until the part timers get in. The fun loving group who work and have fun. People I can confide in a tad. I mean a tad. I don't want them knowing the part of me no one else does. It's the part most of them could never understand. There are times, I don't understand.

I have this feeling, well, I don't have a feeling. There is something I want to do so bad, but I am so afraid. It hurts me to think of the negative outcome that can come from it. The notion of having the courage to go and fall so flat on my face. I don't want that pain. I don't want that feeling. I want the goodness I feel I deserve. Better yet, wish I deserve. I know there are times I don't think I deserve to be happy. As if it's my job to be a burden on people because my search for happiness is never ending. I never honestly stopped and asked myself, "Why don't you feel you don't deserve to be happy Tony?" I honestly do not know. I will ponder upon this tomorrow.

I feel with all the alcohol I drank I will sleep like a baby. I can't believe in a few seconds I am going to click on publish. This is part of the real me people, enjoy.

Making things happen

Have you ever awakened one day and thought today was a good day for change? Change does not come overnight. I think I am deciding to change a few things about myself. I got nothing really major to say at the moment. Well, can things turn out like they do in the movies. Do you think people don't try because they are afraid of falling so hard it hurts? I wonder just about how to change what I am thinking.

I love Role Models and Paul Rudd is just flat out awesome. Anything with him in it is gold.

Another update

I finished the semester with an A in psychology, Algebra and C++. I only got a B in English. I was scared to no end before going and now I can conquer it head on. I feel a new breath in me that will allow me to finish college and advance to a better career in life.

The gym has been superb. I have lost almost 70 pounds. It has slowed down considerably, but the muscle I am gaining is crazy. I can lift a way more then I could, do push ups easily, cardio for over a half an hour without even hindering a bit. I am very proud. My diet has been the staple of all of this. It's not really a big secret either. Eat somewhat healthy, get good food in, still intake fat and carbs and exercise. I wish I could have taken more pictures of my progress. People's reactions to me is reward enough and shows people do pay attention.

Girlfriend? Lol, no. Dating? Yes. Successful? No. What was I expecting? Go on a few dates and meet my soul mate in a month. Realistically it doesn't happen that way. People I find myself interested in, have boyfriends, just want to be friends, or are flat out not my type (you find this out later on once you get to know them). What's the point of being a good person to someone, trying to show your interest, when they are a good person, but either don't realize it or are afraid. I keep using the term, "Clouded by anger," because I feel it's how I am sometimes. I try to always give the benefit of the doubt then someone has to go and prove me wrong. Enough of that drabble.

I have been going out a little more lately. Joined a meetup group, and been having a great time. It's been worth the trip and enjoy having a semi-charmed kind of life.

I have a wedding on Friday I am very excited for. A friend of mine I have known for over 5 years is getting married. I am going, my cousin, my best friend, and someone I asked to bring. I haven't been to a wedding since my best friend got married. I am really looking forward to this.

I can't think of much else that I want to talk about. You know, you can only get so personal until you realize the people you might be talking about read this. Then, well, you know. There is a fan that is on and some fecal matter tossed into the mix. I think toss could possibly act as a pun on this. I like it. Two thumbs up.

Online Dating Part 1

What has happened to dating today? All I see is people, beautiful people, ugly people, average people going on websites looking for love. Where have all the socialites gone? Are we breeding more people who will become socially inept? So many questions that are pondering my brain. I am also a victim of online dating. Growing up as a child you either had it or you didn't. It, as I reference as, would be referring to class, style, or just that ability to go up to the opposite sex and talk. How many of us have gone off to watch movies that deal with this sort of topic and start to develop good ideas then fall flat when it comes time for action?

I had the opportunity to try 3 specifically popular dating websites. I must say, it's not a WYSIWYG type of deal. There is more to profiles then the banter of someone showing off the best qualities they have. Wouldn't a more viable approach such as saving the best for last instead of typing about ALL your best qualities. It leaves nothing to the imagination and nothing to look forward to. If I told you what was going to happen word for word, how excited would you be honestly. I am betting not all that worked up. I read lots of profiles.....lies.......inadequacies.....utter nonsense of trying to meet your soul mate. It's rash how many characters they allow you to type. Sometimes people fill in the void by endlessly typing away hoping to not look so, bland. Short and sweet should be the key, like a normal conversation.

I hate to be a downer, but this isn't for everyone. It's definitely not for the millions of users who log on to these sites everyday in search of their "ideal" person. The ideal person you're looking most likely doesn't exist. I am sorry. "I want someone who is intelligent, makes good money, cares about his family, waxes is back and shaves his knuckles.....oh yeh, he has to be hot or cute." Tell me, how does this fit into your description? Oh, that's right, it doesn't. Honestly doesn't exist until years and you have to build trust on top of that. We all need to take the plunge and try it, but we need to mingle. Go out and meet people, humans, not pictures of people you wish to date. I think I would rather be rejected in public then in my living room in my boxers.

For Part 1 of this, it's just a small sample. Next time I plan on giving details about my experiences and about different ways to meet women besides online dating. Happy hunting.