I feel lost inside

I feel extremely lost inside. Lonely, I mean, LONELY! I sometimes hate posting on here. Only a few people read this, but man, it actually hurts right now. I don't think the quick two glasses of rum and coke in 15 minutes helped me either. It brought me to a state of zen until a friend asked me how I was and I actually thought about it. It depressed me severely. I believe in my heart that I will make one woman so happy. I try to look my best, from the gym, to buying new clothes to keeping my hygiene up to par. I wonder why alcohol is such an inhibitor.

There is so much I want to say sometimes, but am so afraid someone will discover the real me. I been having some fucked up dreams that I don't want to talk about. Let's just say I woke up from one so vivid I felt my heart drop as I awakened. I couldn't sleep for over an hour. I paced and walked in my room for a while. I hopped on the internet hoping the dream I had would stop haunting my thoughts. They were so surreal that I can still remember the end of it which still scares the shit out of me. I hope it will eventually leave my thoughts one day and when I read this I will wonder what I am talking about it.

If people read my real journal, I wonder what some of them would actually think. That has my true innermost thoughts in it. I would be afraid to lose it. I think certain people wouldn't talk to me anymore. Some people would wonder why there not in it. It's nothing personal, I think if you are not in it then that's a good thing, because if you are in it, it impacted me somehow, good or bad.

The gym changed me, for the better. I think one of the good things I am going to write about. I was on my way to the gym today driving and thinking about why I go. A good feeling swept through me like a chilled breeze on a hot summer day. I was in a trance. I zoned into the music I was listening to and finish my ride. At the gym, I stacked on an extra ten pounds on the to ab core. I can do 45 pounds where when I first started there was no weight on there. I can curl 100 pounds, could barely lift 60 when I started. Tomorrow is a heavy lifting day that the trainer has me do. It's honestly a extremely hard workout. Lots of cardio, keeping the cross trainer machine at resistance level 11 for 3 minutes, pedaling over 70 RPMs per minute take a lot out of you. I have to do that twice during my workout and finish it off with 15 more minutes of cardio. I am sometimes surprised that I can accomplish all this. My motivation for the gym is off the charts.

I need to go on a real vacation away from my current life. Of course I can't afford it. I want to sit in the sun and wallow in it's magnificient glory. I haven't had a tan in years because I was so embarrased on how fat I had become. I started losing weight because of a cruise to the Bahamas. How odd is that? A little cruise where I had a fabulous time turned my life around. It's those weird things that keep my on my toes. I need to start saving or at least head to the shore some days when I am off.

I don't want to work tomorrow. It's a cesspool of lazy people who stand around and expect you to do all the work while they get paid more and feel they been there longer so they shouldn't have to help. There are times I wanted to jump across the table and just ask my co-workers why they are there. I dread going and being there until the part timers get in. The fun loving group who work and have fun. People I can confide in a tad. I mean a tad. I don't want them knowing the part of me no one else does. It's the part most of them could never understand. There are times, I don't understand.

I have this feeling, well, I don't have a feeling. There is something I want to do so bad, but I am so afraid. It hurts me to think of the negative outcome that can come from it. The notion of having the courage to go and fall so flat on my face. I don't want that pain. I don't want that feeling. I want the goodness I feel I deserve. Better yet, wish I deserve. I know there are times I don't think I deserve to be happy. As if it's my job to be a burden on people because my search for happiness is never ending. I never honestly stopped and asked myself, "Why don't you feel you don't deserve to be happy Tony?" I honestly do not know. I will ponder upon this tomorrow.

I feel with all the alcohol I drank I will sleep like a baby. I can't believe in a few seconds I am going to click on publish. This is part of the real me people, enjoy.