I have a problem

I have been thinking about this for a long time. I developed feelings for someone. I tried dismissing them as just mere exposure therapy. The more you are surrounded by someone the more you get to like that person. I thought about it often and I sit here and I think about their her being often. I wonder how she is doing and if she is happy. I kind of wish I had the chance to at least see if it would progress anywhere beyond to where it is now. I believe I have an unknown power to make people laugh and make people happy. There was no study, no long term research to help me conclude to this. My mother always told us about how to treat a woman. Lol, I remember the first girl I went out with my mom was so angry with me because I wasn't doing what she said. I am sure it would have worked, but I just turned 14 years old. Kind of makes me think of how much things have changed since I was a kid. Most of my relationships ended because I had no real feelings for that person, got cheated on, or was ignored in a time I had a serious need. It happens, and the one I had no feelings for, we parted on good terms. The other ones not so much.

I have a problem. My problem is I don't feel I am good enough. Whew, there I said it. It has been a plague of mine for so long. I know where it stems from and how I developed it. I am not divulging that information, but it all effects my self-esteem levels. It's a domino effect of that unravels and knocks me down. Of course I hate feeling this way and having this. I have been doing things to try and change it around. I been going to the gym to work on my physical aspect. I am going to school to try to have a real and fulfilling career. I try to go out and do things so my life doesn't seem so bland. I wonder why I still have this problem.

I will probably will never tell this person. I am sure she has an idea that I do. I sometimes think I try too hard. It has just been bothering me to the point of frustration. I do not know what to do about this problem. People will give me advice and they make it sound like the easiest thing in the fucking world. I only wish it were so easy. The only thing I can do is ask one day. I just have to do it before it's too late. I want to be happy.

Somebody once asked me this question and I have been stumped on it, "Why don't you think you deserve to be happy Tony?" I have no idea.