Another little update

School has still been slamming me with work. I barely have time to do anything I want to. I take two tests tomorrow I am very confident I will pass and 70% sure I should get As in both of them. English is still a bit shaky. I got a 65 on my last paper. I got one due next week which I will work on during the weekend and have my best friend's wife who is an English teacher peruse it and help me fix some errors. I need a C in that class so the credit will transfer over to Rowan when I apply. Too much online work for school. It's amazing for a class that is not online, most of the work is and that is annoying.

The gym is great. I stopped losing weight, but that was the plan. Now the trainer plans on smoothing out the edges and adding more muscle to me. I can see it already and it's exciting. Amazing what the endorphins will do when you exercise. Such a good feeling.

I started playing Final Fantasy XI again. It's been filling the void of my somewhat non-existent life. I stopped playing years ago because I thought it was part of my problem when I made all those changes. I feel like I shouldn't be though. I really need to be focusing on a social life. I want to go out more, go to the movies, throw Rock Band parties which I think are a blast, go out to a bar, fucking meet people. Wish I had my very own place so I could do some of these things. One thing at a time though.

Work is just that. Nothing new to report yet. Still working on getting my promotion. A few more things I need to do. TD Bank switched over to a new system and I don't know how it's going to turn out. I find out Thursday.

I really do wish I could meet someone. I still haven't become my old self again. The person who didn't care what people thought and had a good time no matter where he went. I need to learn how to talk to girls I am interested in. How to do that well, that's the trick.

Just a quick update

Nothing major happening in the life of Tony. I just been hampered by school work. My job is just a job at the moment. The gym is still giving me inspiration but for what I don't know exactly. I am getting stronger and stronger by the week and the veins I can see are becoming more visible. That is very exciting for me. What's not exciting is because of how fat I let myself become over a year ago, I have extra skin. It's nowhere near as bad as it was, but it's not good at all. If I didn't have it, I probably would be a bit better looking in the ab department. Which is one of my main focuses on my body. Bigger chest, decent arms, six pack and strong legs. I want a strong body in general, but want the arms and chest for when I have a shirt on, strong legs when I wear shorts and the abs for when I decide to shirtless. Just sucks that I was too stupid before to realize it.

I have to be up at 6am the next morning so bed will be in my future in about thirty minutes. I have a difficult time falling a sleep. I always have and it bites. Oh well, woe is me as usual.

I still yearn to meet someone. I am going to try and take steps on how to occupy my thoughts with different things and push out a more positive attitude. I haven't let me personality show too much but I got to let it out of it's cage. Let it merge with my ol' Gemini self. Become one again.

Hmm

I have noticed I have been bitching way too much lately. More of a WAHHH pity me then a glass is half full kind of guy. The person I use to be. I miss that guy. Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky with all his friends having a good time. I even do it at work sometimes. I have a good reason at work though. They are trying to change my position to a teller. I am not and will not be a 31 year old teller. I am sorry. Not that being a CSR is a big jump, but I was a teller for five years. I am good at it, but don't feel quite like an adult when I do. Nothing personal for the people who are older then me and enjoy it. It's just not for me anymore.

Back to this me bitching notion. I seem to be turning into a little whiny bitch. What the fuck happened to me? I feel like I am carrying the pity wagon wherever I go. I need to pep the fuck up. I got so much going for me now and I feel like I am not doing shit. I go to college and am doing pretty well so far. Math is getting a tad better, but it's not great. I work out, I mean a lot. I go to the gym everyday. I had a headache today and still worked out. I didn't even take any aspirin. My total intake of calories I think was only 1300. That's barely anything and I worked out. I have a job, not a great one, but it pays my bills and leaves me a bit to take of things. I am buying new clothes. Which reminds me, my clothes are already not fitting again. It's getting a bit expensive to keep losing weight. I think I may have slowed down a tad as I haven't lost anyt more weight, but my bodyfat percentage keeps trickling down which is good.

There I said some nice things about myself. How awesome am I? Well, ok, maybe that's stretching it a bit. I now need to find a group of friends that enjoy hanging out on the weekends. Maybe just an Applebee's fun for a drink and some wings. Going to a bar on Sunday to watch the game. I need to work on this. My biggest self defeat is my self-esteem. I need to kick this bitch into gear. I just want to lose a bit more weight in my lower abdomen. It's such a hard spot to lose weight in :P.

My long term goals are to finish school, get a real career, keep working out and ascertain my six pack I desire and get married. Short term goals are to start being outgoing AGAIN, work on my self image, buy new clothes, take some damn pictures of me outside and dressed up a bit, get back into playing some video games as it's a stress reliever for me, and go to the movies more. I also need to see my parents sometime soon. I haven't seen them in a while.

I promise to work on me.

Still trying to find a reason..

A reason for what? To keep moving, to keep waking up, to keep pushing through this abyss. Abyss would be a synonym for life in my own terms. I am not saying there isn't any hope. I am just thinking it's becoming more bleak then I anticipated.

School has been stressing me worse then last semester. Too many essays at the moment. My Algebra homework has to be done online. Does anyone know what it's like to do Algebra homework online. It's fucking annoying the shit out of me. It gets worse as we are graded on the homework problems. That would be ok, but you only have two submissions. After that, either you're fucked or you're good. World Civilization has been good, but now I have a test tomorrow. I have test anxiety when it comes to the first test because I need to know how the test format is. I feel comfortable with most of the material and believe I will pass it tomorrow. English just plain sucks, but that's because I hate writing papers. Child Psychology is just there. Nothing really to complain about or praise about.

I keep seeing previews for this movie called Love Happens. The slogan for it is what really gets my anger in motion. "When you least expect it." I really wish someone would take that phrase and inject it with the plague. I am also tied of hearing that phrase when people ask me what's wrong and I tell them. That phrase gets tossed around like a novelty gift then words of hope. Maybe it seems novelty to me because I am still stuck in the trenches fighting my own inner demons.

I haven't seen my brother in a while and I really need to stop by. I have been so swamped with, work, school and the gym; I barely have time for me. Saturday is a day I use for some kind of fun if I can salvage it from something. I haven't seen my parents in a while either. Maybe take a Saturday to go see them, but they dislike going to the movies so late. I wouldn't make it down there until 7:30ish. Maybe have dinner with them and stay over a friend's house down there. I think I will make that part of my plans.

I am trying to manage my time better at school to do homework. Tomorrow I should be able to finish studying for World Civilization test and finish my Alegbra homework, but not the online one. Maybe finish the online one when I get home and have those 4 days to finish an English paper due on Monday and read a little bit of Child Psychology. I need better time management and will work on this.

I can honestly deal with all that I wrote above. I do have stress relievers set in place. The gym is one of them. I love watching comedy shows which I can instantly thanks to Netflix and my XBOX360 which I don't even play games on anymore. Which is odd because I use to love playing video games. I buy video games and don't even play them. What the fuck is wrong with me? That use to be one of my outlets. I seem to be losing interest in doing things I use to love.


I know, my usual rant. My reason for bitching so much. I still hate being alone. I was talking to this girl online who seemed nice. You can tell by the say someone types how they present themselves. I was actually talking to two girls. One was devoid of any type of human emotion. I was surprised. The person couldn't spell and said I don't care about a lot of things. Just made me less interested. She just disappeared, but I don't mind. The other was nice, kind, considerate and seemed sweet. A person, like myself, analyzes what words are used, punctuation, use of an exclamation point, how they are used. I was very into the few messages we wrote back and forth. It's been three days now. Who knows what happened. I sent the last message and I know that person read it as the site tells me. It was read over two days ago. I said nothing because I know life can be hectic. I am not complaining about that. I am just disappointed and wish for some kind of human contact.

Hey now

I just got home from watching I Love You, Man. I will admit I have beers in me, so writing this will be less then stellar. It will be more then accurate. I really enjoyed that movie. However, watching that made me a tad depressed. How can a movie that was hilarious to me be so depressing. I know the answer. It's because of the plot of marriage and being in love. It's something that I desire so passionately that it leaves me stricken with grief that there is something wrong with me.

I realized something today. This is going to sound so hypocritical. I was happier when I was fat and single. I am still a bit meaty, but no where near my previous weight. I feel so much more alone now then I did before. I know it's because I felt no pressure. I know the reason because I thought I was grotesque to the point where I didn't care. I changed all that and nothing actually changed. How sad is that? I know I have a great personality when I let people see it. After I lost the weight I became self-conscience. Why the fuck would I let that happen? I usually never cared what anyone thought. Now I see myself holding back due to how people will perceive me. Argh! That is not the real me. The real me is a guy that likes going out, having fun, being the center of the attention at times, enjoys the company of others. I NEED to change this. Be my outgoing self as I was and try not to care what people think.

I never really believed in Horoscopes. I use to call them Horrorscopes for shits and giggles. I am a Gemini though. I understand that I have a split side I show people and the real side of me that I don't show anyone. The real side is a depressed man who feels so alone in this world that it drives him to his own thoughts. Our own worst enemy is our mind and imagination. I am sitting here writing this. I don't know why. Like I said, I guess I am shouting out for help, but I don't know who, what, where, when. I know why. It's because I want a group of friends that I use to have that went out every weekend and had fun. I got one best friend who I wouldn't trade for the world. He doesn't know how jealous I am of him. He lives the life I have always dreamed of. I am with him a lot and see how he is and how his wife treats him. It's straight jealousy, however, I am so happy for him that I would do anything for him and hope it lasts his lifetime.

There is a woman out there for me. I just know she is not in a bar. That is just not my style. I want that feeling of being wanted. It's been almost 5 years for me since my last relationship. I haven't had any real connection with a woman for that long. The feeling of loneliness is taking over. I am trying to supress it every day. I just don't have self worth and I know I have a ton to offer a woman. I will make them feel like the world, I am just afraid I will not get the same in return. I have made plans for work, school, health, friends, etc. I have no plans for a relationship because it feels so out of reach. I want it so bad that I am afraid I might get desperate and just settle. No one should ever do that.

I better go to bed. I had over 10 bottles of beer, but felt like I needed to say this. I know one person who reads this and you are a good person. I won't use names, because well, it's wrong :P. I am doing something wrong and need to work on how to fix it. I am SO AFRAID that it freezes me up. I use to not care about it, but now I do. I DO have a lot to offer and I WILL try my best to be the best man any woman could ever ask for. I just need to know where you are.........

I realize that I am a Gemini to the bone of my core.

Truest shit I ever wrote pt.1

Im in pain. So much pain that I can barely see the reason for waking up in the morning. It's not the pain that comes in the physical sense, but emotional. I believe I am a prisoner in my own mind. I self defeat before I even get a chance to have a thought that could be positive. I shutter at my own visual concept of how I see myself. Even after one year of working out and looking better then I almost ever have, I still have a self image like I did one year ago. Where do I start?

Dating. Everyone knows about the date I went on except for a few people. I don't want to get into details because it hurts to talk or type about. I was manipulated. I was made to feel great about myself then dropped like I meant nothing. I really liked this girl as in everything about her. Told she wanted a long term relationship to wanting to date other people and I wait around. Wait around for what? To find out if I get to be with her or not. You don't understand. I mean, a woman, who wanted to hold my hand, be so close to me, practically sit on top of me. Made me feel like someone I haven't felt like in years. Made me want to give what I have to give. Just ended it because I didn't want to wait. Yes, I am suffering from it still.

Health. Things are good, but not how I thought. I feel great. I feel extremely strong then I ever have before. I eat healthy, exercise more then I should, but I am loosening up a bit. This didn't bring me the zen I thought it would. I started losing weight because I wanted to meet a girl would wasn't as big as me. I never wanted that and felt so crappy that I decided to do something. It's hard to explain about how I feel though. I look great compared to a year ago. I am happy about that. I am not happy by why I started. It should have started for my health and me wanting to actually fit in a pair of pants. I have altered my focus after seeing the change I was doing. I feel fat right now, but that's because I had spaghetti with 3 slices of bread :P.

Work. This has actually gotten better to a degree. I still hate it at times, but who doesn't hate their job. I am actually on my way to finally getting my management training out of the way.

School. This has just started again for my second semester. First day today and I hate very class except my World Civilization class. My only gripe is I wish I would have done this years ago and it pisses me off. I am glad I am doing it now though. School is good though. I am happy to be in school and the payoff will be huge.

Life. I have a lot of free thinking time. I guess I am angry that I do not have the friends I use to. I honestly believe I do not have a life. I am sitting here complaining on a blog that I think only one friend reads. I want to apologize to her for asking her if she had any friends. I believe I shouldn't have asked. I had a friend that said to me, "I know someone who would be great for you." I wonder why that hasn't happened again. Is it because most of my friends are married, in a relationship, or is it something else that I am missing. Is there something about me that isn't worth it.

I hate dating at the age of 31. I hate being at college at the age of 31. I hate renting the room I do at the age of 31. I think finding a woman has been the worst type of experience I can even fathom. I think the relationship will take the greater toll on me though, if that ever happens. I can barely get a date. I have only had 3 dates in almost a year. It's been a fucking year!!! First date went well, then I had the curse happen and she told me her ex-boyfriend came into her job and apologized. She was so confused she claims. Second date was my fault. The picture was not what was in the box and I was distracted. Third date I explained above. I want to at least go on more dates, but I am afraid to talk to women I think are attractive because I don't think I am attractive at all. It's the truth. I thought about it and trying to figure out what I can do. I honestly do not know. I feel lost. Girl at the gym, looks attractive, looked over, went two machines next to me and actually looked surprised that I moved. I only moved because I honestly just finished my cardio and needed to stop. I felt like if I want back it would look like I am trying too hard.

I don't know why I am typing this. Maybe I am trying to reach out for help. I do not know. I don't know what to do......and I feel lost with questions.

Am I that ugly? Am I not worthy? Do I not deserve to be happy?


I don't know......