Hey now

I just got home from watching I Love You, Man. I will admit I have beers in me, so writing this will be less then stellar. It will be more then accurate. I really enjoyed that movie. However, watching that made me a tad depressed. How can a movie that was hilarious to me be so depressing. I know the answer. It's because of the plot of marriage and being in love. It's something that I desire so passionately that it leaves me stricken with grief that there is something wrong with me.

I realized something today. This is going to sound so hypocritical. I was happier when I was fat and single. I am still a bit meaty, but no where near my previous weight. I feel so much more alone now then I did before. I know it's because I felt no pressure. I know the reason because I thought I was grotesque to the point where I didn't care. I changed all that and nothing actually changed. How sad is that? I know I have a great personality when I let people see it. After I lost the weight I became self-conscience. Why the fuck would I let that happen? I usually never cared what anyone thought. Now I see myself holding back due to how people will perceive me. Argh! That is not the real me. The real me is a guy that likes going out, having fun, being the center of the attention at times, enjoys the company of others. I NEED to change this. Be my outgoing self as I was and try not to care what people think.

I never really believed in Horoscopes. I use to call them Horrorscopes for shits and giggles. I am a Gemini though. I understand that I have a split side I show people and the real side of me that I don't show anyone. The real side is a depressed man who feels so alone in this world that it drives him to his own thoughts. Our own worst enemy is our mind and imagination. I am sitting here writing this. I don't know why. Like I said, I guess I am shouting out for help, but I don't know who, what, where, when. I know why. It's because I want a group of friends that I use to have that went out every weekend and had fun. I got one best friend who I wouldn't trade for the world. He doesn't know how jealous I am of him. He lives the life I have always dreamed of. I am with him a lot and see how he is and how his wife treats him. It's straight jealousy, however, I am so happy for him that I would do anything for him and hope it lasts his lifetime.

There is a woman out there for me. I just know she is not in a bar. That is just not my style. I want that feeling of being wanted. It's been almost 5 years for me since my last relationship. I haven't had any real connection with a woman for that long. The feeling of loneliness is taking over. I am trying to supress it every day. I just don't have self worth and I know I have a ton to offer a woman. I will make them feel like the world, I am just afraid I will not get the same in return. I have made plans for work, school, health, friends, etc. I have no plans for a relationship because it feels so out of reach. I want it so bad that I am afraid I might get desperate and just settle. No one should ever do that.

I better go to bed. I had over 10 bottles of beer, but felt like I needed to say this. I know one person who reads this and you are a good person. I won't use names, because well, it's wrong :P. I am doing something wrong and need to work on how to fix it. I am SO AFRAID that it freezes me up. I use to not care about it, but now I do. I DO have a lot to offer and I WILL try my best to be the best man any woman could ever ask for. I just need to know where you are.........

I realize that I am a Gemini to the bone of my core.