Truest shit I ever wrote pt.1

Im in pain. So much pain that I can barely see the reason for waking up in the morning. It's not the pain that comes in the physical sense, but emotional. I believe I am a prisoner in my own mind. I self defeat before I even get a chance to have a thought that could be positive. I shutter at my own visual concept of how I see myself. Even after one year of working out and looking better then I almost ever have, I still have a self image like I did one year ago. Where do I start?

Dating. Everyone knows about the date I went on except for a few people. I don't want to get into details because it hurts to talk or type about. I was manipulated. I was made to feel great about myself then dropped like I meant nothing. I really liked this girl as in everything about her. Told she wanted a long term relationship to wanting to date other people and I wait around. Wait around for what? To find out if I get to be with her or not. You don't understand. I mean, a woman, who wanted to hold my hand, be so close to me, practically sit on top of me. Made me feel like someone I haven't felt like in years. Made me want to give what I have to give. Just ended it because I didn't want to wait. Yes, I am suffering from it still.

Health. Things are good, but not how I thought. I feel great. I feel extremely strong then I ever have before. I eat healthy, exercise more then I should, but I am loosening up a bit. This didn't bring me the zen I thought it would. I started losing weight because I wanted to meet a girl would wasn't as big as me. I never wanted that and felt so crappy that I decided to do something. It's hard to explain about how I feel though. I look great compared to a year ago. I am happy about that. I am not happy by why I started. It should have started for my health and me wanting to actually fit in a pair of pants. I have altered my focus after seeing the change I was doing. I feel fat right now, but that's because I had spaghetti with 3 slices of bread :P.

Work. This has actually gotten better to a degree. I still hate it at times, but who doesn't hate their job. I am actually on my way to finally getting my management training out of the way.

School. This has just started again for my second semester. First day today and I hate very class except my World Civilization class. My only gripe is I wish I would have done this years ago and it pisses me off. I am glad I am doing it now though. School is good though. I am happy to be in school and the payoff will be huge.

Life. I have a lot of free thinking time. I guess I am angry that I do not have the friends I use to. I honestly believe I do not have a life. I am sitting here complaining on a blog that I think only one friend reads. I want to apologize to her for asking her if she had any friends. I believe I shouldn't have asked. I had a friend that said to me, "I know someone who would be great for you." I wonder why that hasn't happened again. Is it because most of my friends are married, in a relationship, or is it something else that I am missing. Is there something about me that isn't worth it.

I hate dating at the age of 31. I hate being at college at the age of 31. I hate renting the room I do at the age of 31. I think finding a woman has been the worst type of experience I can even fathom. I think the relationship will take the greater toll on me though, if that ever happens. I can barely get a date. I have only had 3 dates in almost a year. It's been a fucking year!!! First date went well, then I had the curse happen and she told me her ex-boyfriend came into her job and apologized. She was so confused she claims. Second date was my fault. The picture was not what was in the box and I was distracted. Third date I explained above. I want to at least go on more dates, but I am afraid to talk to women I think are attractive because I don't think I am attractive at all. It's the truth. I thought about it and trying to figure out what I can do. I honestly do not know. I feel lost. Girl at the gym, looks attractive, looked over, went two machines next to me and actually looked surprised that I moved. I only moved because I honestly just finished my cardio and needed to stop. I felt like if I want back it would look like I am trying too hard.

I don't know why I am typing this. Maybe I am trying to reach out for help. I do not know. I don't know what to do......and I feel lost with questions.

Am I that ugly? Am I not worthy? Do I not deserve to be happy?


I don't know......