After calming down I realize that I am or did something really wrong. I must be doing something wrong. I feel more depressed. I think I would rather be angry than depressed. At least I know how to deal with anger. I just have the urge to break out and start punching something uncontrollably so contain myself. Almost like fighting the abstract that is depression.
Changing my life has been the most difficult thing ever. I did it a year ago and I am ALMOST regretting it. At least I was a blissful boob when I was fat and a loser. I now feel like a stepping stone. As I go to bed, depressed, I text a girl who I know is bad for me. However, I hate the feeling of being alone more than I hate being with the wrong person. Well, trying to be with the wrong person. I doubt she will text me back, but what the fuck am I thinking. I know it's wrong. I don't even think about her, but the feelings I had.
I feel like a piece of ugly shit.
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Seriously, hon... it may do you well to see a doctor. Not just the therapist but your family doctor. Hopefully, assuming you have a good one, he or she will guide you in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I feel beyond broken. I have gone to the doctors before and don't think it was helpful. Nothing is worse then pretending that everything is ok when it's falling uncontrollably farther and farther.
ReplyDeleteWell, sweetie... it sounds like clinical depression - that's something that requires medication and therapy would help too. You're the only one who can take the steps you need to right now, remember that. Finding a girlfriend will only help (possibly) for a time - it will not be a fix all.
ReplyDeleteI know. It's why I am trying to get help. I am doing something about it I swear. I am on the waiting list for therapy and I want to wait a but for medication. I use to take medication years ago and it helped. I will explain more later if you want to hear about it.
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