Still trying to find a reason..

A reason for what? To keep moving, to keep waking up, to keep pushing through this abyss. Abyss would be a synonym for life in my own terms. I am not saying there isn't any hope. I am just thinking it's becoming more bleak then I anticipated.

School has been stressing me worse then last semester. Too many essays at the moment. My Algebra homework has to be done online. Does anyone know what it's like to do Algebra homework online. It's fucking annoying the shit out of me. It gets worse as we are graded on the homework problems. That would be ok, but you only have two submissions. After that, either you're fucked or you're good. World Civilization has been good, but now I have a test tomorrow. I have test anxiety when it comes to the first test because I need to know how the test format is. I feel comfortable with most of the material and believe I will pass it tomorrow. English just plain sucks, but that's because I hate writing papers. Child Psychology is just there. Nothing really to complain about or praise about.

I keep seeing previews for this movie called Love Happens. The slogan for it is what really gets my anger in motion. "When you least expect it." I really wish someone would take that phrase and inject it with the plague. I am also tied of hearing that phrase when people ask me what's wrong and I tell them. That phrase gets tossed around like a novelty gift then words of hope. Maybe it seems novelty to me because I am still stuck in the trenches fighting my own inner demons.

I haven't seen my brother in a while and I really need to stop by. I have been so swamped with, work, school and the gym; I barely have time for me. Saturday is a day I use for some kind of fun if I can salvage it from something. I haven't seen my parents in a while either. Maybe take a Saturday to go see them, but they dislike going to the movies so late. I wouldn't make it down there until 7:30ish. Maybe have dinner with them and stay over a friend's house down there. I think I will make that part of my plans.

I am trying to manage my time better at school to do homework. Tomorrow I should be able to finish studying for World Civilization test and finish my Alegbra homework, but not the online one. Maybe finish the online one when I get home and have those 4 days to finish an English paper due on Monday and read a little bit of Child Psychology. I need better time management and will work on this.

I can honestly deal with all that I wrote above. I do have stress relievers set in place. The gym is one of them. I love watching comedy shows which I can instantly thanks to Netflix and my XBOX360 which I don't even play games on anymore. Which is odd because I use to love playing video games. I buy video games and don't even play them. What the fuck is wrong with me? That use to be one of my outlets. I seem to be losing interest in doing things I use to love.


I know, my usual rant. My reason for bitching so much. I still hate being alone. I was talking to this girl online who seemed nice. You can tell by the say someone types how they present themselves. I was actually talking to two girls. One was devoid of any type of human emotion. I was surprised. The person couldn't spell and said I don't care about a lot of things. Just made me less interested. She just disappeared, but I don't mind. The other was nice, kind, considerate and seemed sweet. A person, like myself, analyzes what words are used, punctuation, use of an exclamation point, how they are used. I was very into the few messages we wrote back and forth. It's been three days now. Who knows what happened. I sent the last message and I know that person read it as the site tells me. It was read over two days ago. I said nothing because I know life can be hectic. I am not complaining about that. I am just disappointed and wish for some kind of human contact.