Ok

After calming down I realize that I am or did something really wrong. I must be doing something wrong. I feel more depressed. I think I would rather be angry than depressed. At least I know how to deal with anger. I just have the urge to break out and start punching something uncontrollably so contain myself. Almost like fighting the abstract that is depression.

Changing my life has been the most difficult thing ever. I did it a year ago and I am ALMOST regretting it. At least I was a blissful boob when I was fat and a loser. I now feel like a stepping stone. As I go to bed, depressed, I text a girl who I know is bad for me. However, I hate the feeling of being alone more than I hate being with the wrong person. Well, trying to be with the wrong person. I doubt she will text me back, but what the fuck am I thinking. I know it's wrong. I don't even think about her, but the feelings I had.

I feel like a piece of ugly shit.

I give up

Literally. Fuck internet dating, fuck dating, fuck meeting women, fuck it all.

I just.....

.....feel lost right now. When I feel I had control, I lost it. Control of my feelings is what I am saying. Why am I not in control of my feelings? How can I give one person so much power over me in such a short amount of time? I feel co-dependent on another person to survive. That is horrible. I want control back so bad. I don't know how to get it back.

This is all because of a girl, yet again. Why do I let myself get in these situations. I even had sex with her and it just seems all wrong. At the time of course it seems like the best idea in the world, but now, well, I honestly don't regret it. I think at that time I did have very strong feelings. Her decision to pull back has made my feelings for her change. I can't keep blaming myself for everything. I think I need to back away from this before it escalates any further. I think I will tell her tomorrow and begin yet another journey to find that woman who I want to spend my time with.

I did call that number for therapy. They did call me back and my insurance might not cover it. I am going to find out in about a week or so. Maybe this is the step I need to help me. I have most of my other affairs in order for my life. I want to be happy, I really do.

OMG!!

I no longer have a girlfriend lol. It's amazing what happens in a day or two. Damn right I am going to therapy. I need it big time.

I am.....

....just in awe finally. First off, I have a girlfriend. After almost five years I have a girlfriend. Things between me and her and going excellently. If I said I had nothing to complain about, well then, that just wouldn't be me now would it. I hate my feelings of inadequacy. I don't know what it is about me that I am so damn fucking hard on myself. You would think I had no self-esteem at all. I feel so dependent on her for my feelings that I feel ashamed to even call myself a man. I come off more as needy then as loving. It's starting to make me sick. I also realize that I don't make time to hang out with my friends. Then I realized, I really only have a select few. Reasons are not just because of how I am. Time is also another factor that holds me back from doing anything. I do not have a life. Now that I have a girlfriend, I feel dependent on her for a life. How selfish am I? She has a four year old daughter, who I have yet to meet. I am going to meet her soon as I got invited to her families Christmas brunch on the 20th of this month. I am excited to go. Since I know not many people read this, you need to know something. I am in love with her, not like the one before. I was infatuated with the one before. I think it was just the notion of having somebody interested in me. This time though, she told me she loves me. I can't explain it, but it's only been three weeks. She makes me feel so good when I see her and I talk to her. Apparently I make her feel the same. I do not know exactly what I am doing and I am scared.

Work is work honestly. I offered my services as a teller for the month I am off of school. It will actually benefit me even though I dislike being a teller. I will have off on the weekends and work early hours. Maybe I fit in a life in between that for the month.

My workout and diet are phenomenal. I have lost 101 pounds. I can actually see my two top stomach muscles protruding. I can lift a lot more and I am getting annoyed at how many times I have has to buy new clothes. As much as I am annoyed, it's a damn good feeling. This is the only aspect of my life that I am truly happy about. This makes me extremely depressed. Not "hurt myself" depressed, just "there has to be more that I could be doing but I am not" depressed.

School is actually good. I am a bit happy, but disappointed I still have three years left. I can't believe I have been in college for a year already. I am doing pretty good and will have my results for the entire semester soon. I am proud of myself a bit for this. I will feel better once I get at least an Associate's Degree. I will feel a bit accomplished.

My life has drastically changed in the past year it's surreal. I have a plan and goals which I never had in life. Again, I am disappointed in myself for waiting so long to do all these things. I just don't understand why I still have feelings of inadequacy. I should not be feeling this way. Finally, after talking about it, I am going to seek Therapy. I feel this is the next step that is going to help me live my life in a more fulfilling sense. I don't need purpose per say, we are all here and we must do what we have to. I just want it to mean something to me. I think that the therapist is going to have a field day with me.

Hmmm

I don't know where to begin. I can't make this long, but I realized not long ago how I need to take control of things. I started to and it began to unfold. What you ask? My personality, my spirit, my fucking self for once.

I looked in the mirror and told myself I earned everything. I did everything. I do thank my friends, but without motivation and the will to want to change, I would be a fat fuck still. I would be worse then that actually.

I stopped praying 5 days ago, because I have been so angry. Many people do not know I pray for them. Gina, your nephew, Shane for a true love, my cousin to stop his drug problem, everyone I know and myself to find love. I feel I shouldn't be praying for love though. It's like I am trying to force something that I can attain naturally. Just by being with someone I have feelings for and being me.

Fuck everyone else that doesn't support what I have been doing. This is my life, as short as it may be, it's mine.

EDITED 11/23/2009 for clarification.

Um, some time passes and BAM!!!!

It's actually not a bad BAM!!!! School is going pretty good. I have a brand new 2009 Kia Rio5. Gym is great and my diet kicks ass. I am getting in better shape by the day and I am super psyched about it. Work is what it is. It's there and I am glad to have a job. Let me get to the good stuff though instead of this boring usual matter.

Maybe I should wait. Every time I have news about a girl. I feel like I ruin it for myself if I talk about it. I met her online. I have a date with her on Wednesday. I have been talking to her on the phone for hours. Getting to know her better. Ever have such a good feeling about someone? This is way better then the feeling before. It's not creepy like the last one. It was a shot at someone I thought would not talk to me. Sent her a message and we talked for a week. Found out we have so much in common. I am borderline scared now though. I haven't been so afraid in such a long time. I know what I have to do and that is be myself. Like I said, I am afraid she will not like me for who I am. I don't want to try to be someone I am not. So far she seems to dig me but better then the one before. I.....am......so.....scared.

I think that if I think positive, that I will have a positive outcome. I mentioned a quote from a Pearl Jam song, called "The Fixer." "....if something is gone, I want to fight to get it back again." By this I mean my full fledged personality. My attitude towards things and my new outlook. I have this feeling, it's going to sound really corny. We were put on earth to be with a woman/man. Do you really think it was done by coincidence? There is a purpose.

I just hope this isn't a fly by night like the other one. I have a way better feeling about this one. We talk about the dumbest things, talk about serious things like her work which is kind of serious deal. We sometimes have silence, but I don't mind. I better not fuck this up. There is nothing I want more then to be with somebody. Now that I see that this girl is so similar that I think I hit the jackpot. I will see if it's true on Wednesday. Whoever reads this, please pray for me. I never wanted something so badly before until now.

Truest shit I ever wrote pt.2

Yes, the sequel of my first tell all tale of my true feelings.

Let me just get this out of the way first. I now understand why I am single. I do not feel like I am good enough for any woman. There I said it. There are aspects of my life that feel inadequate for my age. No matter how much I change my physical appearance I realize that I feel worse now then when I was fat. I still haven't figured this out. I know I have so much to offer. I am so confused. This is one of my truest, deepest feelings. I feel trapped within myself.

...when something is gone, I want to fight to get it back again."-Pearl Jam 2009 (The Fixer)

Words I want to try and live on. I want my old self back again. I think I need to fight to get it back again. To elaborate, I mean how I use to be happy and care free. I need to find a reason to smile again. I really don't want to be alone anymore. I mean, girl, friend, and family wise. At this moment, I feel like I have nothing. I let pieces of myself be taken away from so many people. How do you gather them all back together?

I better go to bed. I know I have more, but I will leave the good people with some Pearl Jam songs I love.

I love his passion in this song. Besides loving the song as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFVlJAi3Cso&feature=related-Black

My favorite song in this universe....always has been since the first day I heard it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBhdbcRk1sA&feature=related-Yellow Ledbetter

A moment brought to you by..."WTF?!"

I think my car has a personal vendetta against me. It only decides to break down when I have something I think is important or when I am low on cash. I have spent 5+ years with my car. My problem is I just can't go out and buy a new one. I was suppose to be sitting back having some alcohol down in the Pine Barrens, but instead I was sitting with a tow truck driver while my car was being towed home. I went out and bought another new outfit and jeans that finally fit me for now or until I lose more weight and have to get a new pair again.

I have a date on Wednesday and I am already not feeling it. This isn't good. I think I am doing it because I am too scared to talk to women I do not know and fear of rejection is still pondering in my brain. I have a personality that just won't quit, but an attitude that has given up. I personally do not want to spend another holiday alone again. This really blows. I can not believe I can't attract something that I am interested in. Then again, meeting a girl at a bar is not my ideal way of meeting someone. I have gone out and was talking to girls at a bar, but a lot seemed too uppity and snobby. That's not for me.

I think as I keep trying to improve on the current me I keep losing the battle. I feel that every improvement I make a disappointment or problem has to arrive. School is no longer as exciting because of how mediocre I am doing. I can't be having these kind of grades. I honestly think this semester has a much larger work load and my English teacher is overly critical and expects us to perform the English language in such a way it is art. I do not possess this talent and I accept it. Certain things in life can not be changed and my English skillz be one of dem :P.

The only thing that keeps me chugging along is the gym. The diet kind of does, but going to the gym and getting those pumps out and taking my supplements makes me feel like a decent human being inside. I am losing the knack for meeting new people. I am so drawn on my insecurities and am destroying myself on the inside. Weird having a strong body, but a weak mind. No matter the amount of lifting I do, I do not know what good exercises their are for the brain. I do not know what exercises their are for control of the emotions.

I am just a friggin tangled mess still. Who knows...maybe, JUST MAYBE, tomorrow will be a good day.

Nothing new

School is still heading down hill. I am getting crappy grades and I do not know why. I am doing good in Algebra though. I am not failing any class, but only getting by with a C average in most of my classes. I am going to do what I can to get the grades up to an A if not at least a B.

Work has been so shitty. I honestly do not want to go back anymore. With all the fuck ups, them forcing me to be a teller, it makes me wish I did this college thing years ago. There are times I wish they would fire me and I would try unemployment for a while. It's so difficult going in there anymore.

The gym and my diet still rock. I stopped losing weight, but that is part of the plan. I now need to keep working out and gaining muscle. I take my supplements and stick to my diet. I am becoming very strong and it's exciting. One of the few things I look forward to doing during the day.

Well, the last part is not a surprise. I am still single. I am still afraid to talk to women. I need to actually talk like I have something to offer which I think I do or at least will. Who knows though. I quit ALL of those online dating sites. I need a better plan. Like being myself and seeing what happens. Talking to people more in class which is weird. They are all kids to me. It's a start though.

Another little update

School has still been slamming me with work. I barely have time to do anything I want to. I take two tests tomorrow I am very confident I will pass and 70% sure I should get As in both of them. English is still a bit shaky. I got a 65 on my last paper. I got one due next week which I will work on during the weekend and have my best friend's wife who is an English teacher peruse it and help me fix some errors. I need a C in that class so the credit will transfer over to Rowan when I apply. Too much online work for school. It's amazing for a class that is not online, most of the work is and that is annoying.

The gym is great. I stopped losing weight, but that was the plan. Now the trainer plans on smoothing out the edges and adding more muscle to me. I can see it already and it's exciting. Amazing what the endorphins will do when you exercise. Such a good feeling.

I started playing Final Fantasy XI again. It's been filling the void of my somewhat non-existent life. I stopped playing years ago because I thought it was part of my problem when I made all those changes. I feel like I shouldn't be though. I really need to be focusing on a social life. I want to go out more, go to the movies, throw Rock Band parties which I think are a blast, go out to a bar, fucking meet people. Wish I had my very own place so I could do some of these things. One thing at a time though.

Work is just that. Nothing new to report yet. Still working on getting my promotion. A few more things I need to do. TD Bank switched over to a new system and I don't know how it's going to turn out. I find out Thursday.

I really do wish I could meet someone. I still haven't become my old self again. The person who didn't care what people thought and had a good time no matter where he went. I need to learn how to talk to girls I am interested in. How to do that well, that's the trick.

Just a quick update

Nothing major happening in the life of Tony. I just been hampered by school work. My job is just a job at the moment. The gym is still giving me inspiration but for what I don't know exactly. I am getting stronger and stronger by the week and the veins I can see are becoming more visible. That is very exciting for me. What's not exciting is because of how fat I let myself become over a year ago, I have extra skin. It's nowhere near as bad as it was, but it's not good at all. If I didn't have it, I probably would be a bit better looking in the ab department. Which is one of my main focuses on my body. Bigger chest, decent arms, six pack and strong legs. I want a strong body in general, but want the arms and chest for when I have a shirt on, strong legs when I wear shorts and the abs for when I decide to shirtless. Just sucks that I was too stupid before to realize it.

I have to be up at 6am the next morning so bed will be in my future in about thirty minutes. I have a difficult time falling a sleep. I always have and it bites. Oh well, woe is me as usual.

I still yearn to meet someone. I am going to try and take steps on how to occupy my thoughts with different things and push out a more positive attitude. I haven't let me personality show too much but I got to let it out of it's cage. Let it merge with my ol' Gemini self. Become one again.

Hmm

I have noticed I have been bitching way too much lately. More of a WAHHH pity me then a glass is half full kind of guy. The person I use to be. I miss that guy. Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky with all his friends having a good time. I even do it at work sometimes. I have a good reason at work though. They are trying to change my position to a teller. I am not and will not be a 31 year old teller. I am sorry. Not that being a CSR is a big jump, but I was a teller for five years. I am good at it, but don't feel quite like an adult when I do. Nothing personal for the people who are older then me and enjoy it. It's just not for me anymore.

Back to this me bitching notion. I seem to be turning into a little whiny bitch. What the fuck happened to me? I feel like I am carrying the pity wagon wherever I go. I need to pep the fuck up. I got so much going for me now and I feel like I am not doing shit. I go to college and am doing pretty well so far. Math is getting a tad better, but it's not great. I work out, I mean a lot. I go to the gym everyday. I had a headache today and still worked out. I didn't even take any aspirin. My total intake of calories I think was only 1300. That's barely anything and I worked out. I have a job, not a great one, but it pays my bills and leaves me a bit to take of things. I am buying new clothes. Which reminds me, my clothes are already not fitting again. It's getting a bit expensive to keep losing weight. I think I may have slowed down a tad as I haven't lost anyt more weight, but my bodyfat percentage keeps trickling down which is good.

There I said some nice things about myself. How awesome am I? Well, ok, maybe that's stretching it a bit. I now need to find a group of friends that enjoy hanging out on the weekends. Maybe just an Applebee's fun for a drink and some wings. Going to a bar on Sunday to watch the game. I need to work on this. My biggest self defeat is my self-esteem. I need to kick this bitch into gear. I just want to lose a bit more weight in my lower abdomen. It's such a hard spot to lose weight in :P.

My long term goals are to finish school, get a real career, keep working out and ascertain my six pack I desire and get married. Short term goals are to start being outgoing AGAIN, work on my self image, buy new clothes, take some damn pictures of me outside and dressed up a bit, get back into playing some video games as it's a stress reliever for me, and go to the movies more. I also need to see my parents sometime soon. I haven't seen them in a while.

I promise to work on me.

Still trying to find a reason..

A reason for what? To keep moving, to keep waking up, to keep pushing through this abyss. Abyss would be a synonym for life in my own terms. I am not saying there isn't any hope. I am just thinking it's becoming more bleak then I anticipated.

School has been stressing me worse then last semester. Too many essays at the moment. My Algebra homework has to be done online. Does anyone know what it's like to do Algebra homework online. It's fucking annoying the shit out of me. It gets worse as we are graded on the homework problems. That would be ok, but you only have two submissions. After that, either you're fucked or you're good. World Civilization has been good, but now I have a test tomorrow. I have test anxiety when it comes to the first test because I need to know how the test format is. I feel comfortable with most of the material and believe I will pass it tomorrow. English just plain sucks, but that's because I hate writing papers. Child Psychology is just there. Nothing really to complain about or praise about.

I keep seeing previews for this movie called Love Happens. The slogan for it is what really gets my anger in motion. "When you least expect it." I really wish someone would take that phrase and inject it with the plague. I am also tied of hearing that phrase when people ask me what's wrong and I tell them. That phrase gets tossed around like a novelty gift then words of hope. Maybe it seems novelty to me because I am still stuck in the trenches fighting my own inner demons.

I haven't seen my brother in a while and I really need to stop by. I have been so swamped with, work, school and the gym; I barely have time for me. Saturday is a day I use for some kind of fun if I can salvage it from something. I haven't seen my parents in a while either. Maybe take a Saturday to go see them, but they dislike going to the movies so late. I wouldn't make it down there until 7:30ish. Maybe have dinner with them and stay over a friend's house down there. I think I will make that part of my plans.

I am trying to manage my time better at school to do homework. Tomorrow I should be able to finish studying for World Civilization test and finish my Alegbra homework, but not the online one. Maybe finish the online one when I get home and have those 4 days to finish an English paper due on Monday and read a little bit of Child Psychology. I need better time management and will work on this.

I can honestly deal with all that I wrote above. I do have stress relievers set in place. The gym is one of them. I love watching comedy shows which I can instantly thanks to Netflix and my XBOX360 which I don't even play games on anymore. Which is odd because I use to love playing video games. I buy video games and don't even play them. What the fuck is wrong with me? That use to be one of my outlets. I seem to be losing interest in doing things I use to love.


I know, my usual rant. My reason for bitching so much. I still hate being alone. I was talking to this girl online who seemed nice. You can tell by the say someone types how they present themselves. I was actually talking to two girls. One was devoid of any type of human emotion. I was surprised. The person couldn't spell and said I don't care about a lot of things. Just made me less interested. She just disappeared, but I don't mind. The other was nice, kind, considerate and seemed sweet. A person, like myself, analyzes what words are used, punctuation, use of an exclamation point, how they are used. I was very into the few messages we wrote back and forth. It's been three days now. Who knows what happened. I sent the last message and I know that person read it as the site tells me. It was read over two days ago. I said nothing because I know life can be hectic. I am not complaining about that. I am just disappointed and wish for some kind of human contact.

Hey now

I just got home from watching I Love You, Man. I will admit I have beers in me, so writing this will be less then stellar. It will be more then accurate. I really enjoyed that movie. However, watching that made me a tad depressed. How can a movie that was hilarious to me be so depressing. I know the answer. It's because of the plot of marriage and being in love. It's something that I desire so passionately that it leaves me stricken with grief that there is something wrong with me.

I realized something today. This is going to sound so hypocritical. I was happier when I was fat and single. I am still a bit meaty, but no where near my previous weight. I feel so much more alone now then I did before. I know it's because I felt no pressure. I know the reason because I thought I was grotesque to the point where I didn't care. I changed all that and nothing actually changed. How sad is that? I know I have a great personality when I let people see it. After I lost the weight I became self-conscience. Why the fuck would I let that happen? I usually never cared what anyone thought. Now I see myself holding back due to how people will perceive me. Argh! That is not the real me. The real me is a guy that likes going out, having fun, being the center of the attention at times, enjoys the company of others. I NEED to change this. Be my outgoing self as I was and try not to care what people think.

I never really believed in Horoscopes. I use to call them Horrorscopes for shits and giggles. I am a Gemini though. I understand that I have a split side I show people and the real side of me that I don't show anyone. The real side is a depressed man who feels so alone in this world that it drives him to his own thoughts. Our own worst enemy is our mind and imagination. I am sitting here writing this. I don't know why. Like I said, I guess I am shouting out for help, but I don't know who, what, where, when. I know why. It's because I want a group of friends that I use to have that went out every weekend and had fun. I got one best friend who I wouldn't trade for the world. He doesn't know how jealous I am of him. He lives the life I have always dreamed of. I am with him a lot and see how he is and how his wife treats him. It's straight jealousy, however, I am so happy for him that I would do anything for him and hope it lasts his lifetime.

There is a woman out there for me. I just know she is not in a bar. That is just not my style. I want that feeling of being wanted. It's been almost 5 years for me since my last relationship. I haven't had any real connection with a woman for that long. The feeling of loneliness is taking over. I am trying to supress it every day. I just don't have self worth and I know I have a ton to offer a woman. I will make them feel like the world, I am just afraid I will not get the same in return. I have made plans for work, school, health, friends, etc. I have no plans for a relationship because it feels so out of reach. I want it so bad that I am afraid I might get desperate and just settle. No one should ever do that.

I better go to bed. I had over 10 bottles of beer, but felt like I needed to say this. I know one person who reads this and you are a good person. I won't use names, because well, it's wrong :P. I am doing something wrong and need to work on how to fix it. I am SO AFRAID that it freezes me up. I use to not care about it, but now I do. I DO have a lot to offer and I WILL try my best to be the best man any woman could ever ask for. I just need to know where you are.........

I realize that I am a Gemini to the bone of my core.

Truest shit I ever wrote pt.1

Im in pain. So much pain that I can barely see the reason for waking up in the morning. It's not the pain that comes in the physical sense, but emotional. I believe I am a prisoner in my own mind. I self defeat before I even get a chance to have a thought that could be positive. I shutter at my own visual concept of how I see myself. Even after one year of working out and looking better then I almost ever have, I still have a self image like I did one year ago. Where do I start?

Dating. Everyone knows about the date I went on except for a few people. I don't want to get into details because it hurts to talk or type about. I was manipulated. I was made to feel great about myself then dropped like I meant nothing. I really liked this girl as in everything about her. Told she wanted a long term relationship to wanting to date other people and I wait around. Wait around for what? To find out if I get to be with her or not. You don't understand. I mean, a woman, who wanted to hold my hand, be so close to me, practically sit on top of me. Made me feel like someone I haven't felt like in years. Made me want to give what I have to give. Just ended it because I didn't want to wait. Yes, I am suffering from it still.

Health. Things are good, but not how I thought. I feel great. I feel extremely strong then I ever have before. I eat healthy, exercise more then I should, but I am loosening up a bit. This didn't bring me the zen I thought it would. I started losing weight because I wanted to meet a girl would wasn't as big as me. I never wanted that and felt so crappy that I decided to do something. It's hard to explain about how I feel though. I look great compared to a year ago. I am happy about that. I am not happy by why I started. It should have started for my health and me wanting to actually fit in a pair of pants. I have altered my focus after seeing the change I was doing. I feel fat right now, but that's because I had spaghetti with 3 slices of bread :P.

Work. This has actually gotten better to a degree. I still hate it at times, but who doesn't hate their job. I am actually on my way to finally getting my management training out of the way.

School. This has just started again for my second semester. First day today and I hate very class except my World Civilization class. My only gripe is I wish I would have done this years ago and it pisses me off. I am glad I am doing it now though. School is good though. I am happy to be in school and the payoff will be huge.

Life. I have a lot of free thinking time. I guess I am angry that I do not have the friends I use to. I honestly believe I do not have a life. I am sitting here complaining on a blog that I think only one friend reads. I want to apologize to her for asking her if she had any friends. I believe I shouldn't have asked. I had a friend that said to me, "I know someone who would be great for you." I wonder why that hasn't happened again. Is it because most of my friends are married, in a relationship, or is it something else that I am missing. Is there something about me that isn't worth it.

I hate dating at the age of 31. I hate being at college at the age of 31. I hate renting the room I do at the age of 31. I think finding a woman has been the worst type of experience I can even fathom. I think the relationship will take the greater toll on me though, if that ever happens. I can barely get a date. I have only had 3 dates in almost a year. It's been a fucking year!!! First date went well, then I had the curse happen and she told me her ex-boyfriend came into her job and apologized. She was so confused she claims. Second date was my fault. The picture was not what was in the box and I was distracted. Third date I explained above. I want to at least go on more dates, but I am afraid to talk to women I think are attractive because I don't think I am attractive at all. It's the truth. I thought about it and trying to figure out what I can do. I honestly do not know. I feel lost. Girl at the gym, looks attractive, looked over, went two machines next to me and actually looked surprised that I moved. I only moved because I honestly just finished my cardio and needed to stop. I felt like if I want back it would look like I am trying too hard.

I don't know why I am typing this. Maybe I am trying to reach out for help. I do not know. I don't know what to do......and I feel lost with questions.

Am I that ugly? Am I not worthy? Do I not deserve to be happy?


I don't know......

My thoughts, nothing more...

I realized that I started doing this weight loss thing for the wrong reasons at first. My honest first reason was because I wanted to meet more attractive women. Second reason, was because my friend had lost a lot of weight and was kind of shoving it in my face silently. Third reason was for myself. How horrible is that? My last reason should be my first. I still don't know if my last reason is my first yet, it definitely became my second as I do enjoy it now and am embracing the tougher challenge ahead.

This brings me to my second thing. I met a girl named Jenn. I met her through an online dating website. I never thought she would answer me, but she did. We have been talking through email, text and phone ever since then. We had a date on 7/29/09. The date was extremely successful and we both had a great time. I was even able to steal a small but memorable kiss that night. I come home and I think I fell into a trance. I can't explain it in words, but I am going to try. We emailed each other the next day and it was great. The problem was that I was so googly eyed over her that I thought I found the one person I was hoping for. I don't know how she feels, but I ended up saying somethings anxiously instead of waiting for the right moment. She canceled our date for Wednesday of last week and we rescheduled for tomorrow. I don't know, but I still think she is the one I have been waiting for. However, I don't know if I am still blinded. I do talk to her almost everyday, but it's either through text messages or email. We do the occasional phone calls which are always nice. I know this girl likes me. She told me she wanted to come home, because she wanted to see me on Monday. Phone calls are great, but it's hard to convey feelings in a text message. When tomorrow comes will I be of sound mind to make the right decision and not say how I feel. Ever think that waiting though was a mistake and you should follow how you feel and not what some people tell you. I am so nervous about tomorrow I think it's making my stomach turn.

My work has become better for me. I don't mind going in and I am going to follow through with my management training. I have to do something called Backroom Buzz which is like setting up the back room with TD style paraphernalia for people to see. I have to do this to continue through my program. I hope I have what it takes to finish.

School is coming ever so close again. I need to make sure my financial aid is in order before Thursday because I really need this so I can go. I am going to finish school and have a Bachelor's Degree. I am nervous about going again already which is weird. I accomplished a lot in one semester and think I should go in and make this semester better then the last.

I am so focused right now. As scared as I am, I feel that I know what I want. I am doing things to finally get it and I am achieving it. I should be so happy and proud, but something is tugging me in the back and pulling the happiness out of me. I don't know or understand why. One day, a friend's mother of mine asked me why don't I think I deserve to be happy. I have mentioned this before and I still do not know the answer. I feel I have to hold this burden for some reason. What that burden is I do not know. I almost feel important for something that is beyond my control. Tell me that doesn't sound crazy lol.

Hmmm

I will have a huge update I hope on Wednesday. I pray that it's such good news I can finally search for some kind of happiness. I have lost 82 pounds since I started my weight loss journey. I am a lot stronger as well. I just need to look inside myself and see what I can offer a woman that is worth keeping. Find out what is it about me that makes me worth while. I think I might have an answer soon.

I still haven't gotten my full financial aid yet for school. I got my Pell Grant, so I hope it is on the way. I am just waiting for my loans to go through so I can stop sweating about it and breath a sigh if relief. It's a worth cause, I just feel scared again as I don't want to fail. I know I can do it.

My car has been having so many problems. I think I need to find a new car somehow. I better do something soon or my life will have another halt in it.

I have a date on Wednesday. I am beyond excited for it. I feel that she could be, like....you know. I might have one on Tuesday. Someone I want out with before. I think it's just someone to hang out with.

I might have surgery tomorrow to have my gallbladder taken out. I hope I can wait to have it taken out as I can use it to my advantage and have a mini vacation in Florida and go on my dates this week. No one has any idea about how excited I am about Wednesday. I hope I don't have my surgery tomorrow. I hope I go to the doctors, find out it can wait until next month and there is nothing wrong with my beyond that.

I hope everything works out.

Nothing

I got nothing to say cause no one reads this fucking page. Glad I still do my personal journal. I do that for me :).

I have seen better days

I have seen better days. I had to go to the hospital last night. I ended up having gallstones that are irritating my stomach to no end. Then I am getting tested for Hepatitis. I shouldn't have it because I don't do anything to warrant it and I they claim it may be from the my gallbladder. Which I am hoping its just from my gallbladder and I can move on with life. I find out tomorrow what the problem is.

The pain in my stomach was unbearable. I was hurting so bad I couldn't eat nor sleep. I was vomiting whatever I ate. I was scared to no end. I am just praying that my liver is not damaged in anyway. I hope and pray for the best.

I have been talking to this girl and I seem to really like her. Every girl I end up liking wants to be friends or wait to see what happens. I don't mind waiting to see what happens, but at least spend some time with me. We had a first date type thing and it went great. She even told me how much she likes me. She also texts me everyday to see how I am doing. I am just super confused on what I need to do.

Funny thing, with all this, I am still going to the gym in a few minutes to torture my body some more lol. Good day to you all.

What was I thinking?

Sometimes I do not know when to do things. I know this for my slow progress through lifes trials and tribulations. I wonder sometimes after I do certain things, I asked myself, "What was I thinking?" It can pertain to asking a girl something, to saying something that comes out wrong, to doing something for 4 years and letting your body rot away from fat, cholestoral and all else there is that I ate.

I sit there and continually ask myself what was I thinking. For all these years feeling sorry for myself when it was my fault all along. I never took responsibility for my actions. Now I am and I must admit it feels really damn good. I never knew how good it would feel to take control of my life. Being in control of certain aspects is breath taking honestly.

The real reason for this blog was because of something I did today that I think was in poor taste to a degree. I feel it was right, but I stop and wish I could have presented it in a better manner. I pride myself on originality and like going above and beyond for anyone I have any type of feeling for. If you read this and I know you will, I am sorry. For presentation and timing and not for how I feel.

If I didn't have the gym as my outlet I do not know how I would be able to deal with my feelings or emotions. Yes Shane, thank you for being a good crutch for me and the gym homie. You are part of my inspiration and part challenge as I am going to crush you one day lol :p.

I have a problem

I have been thinking about this for a long time. I developed feelings for someone. I tried dismissing them as just mere exposure therapy. The more you are surrounded by someone the more you get to like that person. I thought about it often and I sit here and I think about their her being often. I wonder how she is doing and if she is happy. I kind of wish I had the chance to at least see if it would progress anywhere beyond to where it is now. I believe I have an unknown power to make people laugh and make people happy. There was no study, no long term research to help me conclude to this. My mother always told us about how to treat a woman. Lol, I remember the first girl I went out with my mom was so angry with me because I wasn't doing what she said. I am sure it would have worked, but I just turned 14 years old. Kind of makes me think of how much things have changed since I was a kid. Most of my relationships ended because I had no real feelings for that person, got cheated on, or was ignored in a time I had a serious need. It happens, and the one I had no feelings for, we parted on good terms. The other ones not so much.

I have a problem. My problem is I don't feel I am good enough. Whew, there I said it. It has been a plague of mine for so long. I know where it stems from and how I developed it. I am not divulging that information, but it all effects my self-esteem levels. It's a domino effect of that unravels and knocks me down. Of course I hate feeling this way and having this. I have been doing things to try and change it around. I been going to the gym to work on my physical aspect. I am going to school to try to have a real and fulfilling career. I try to go out and do things so my life doesn't seem so bland. I wonder why I still have this problem.

I will probably will never tell this person. I am sure she has an idea that I do. I sometimes think I try too hard. It has just been bothering me to the point of frustration. I do not know what to do about this problem. People will give me advice and they make it sound like the easiest thing in the fucking world. I only wish it were so easy. The only thing I can do is ask one day. I just have to do it before it's too late. I want to be happy.

Somebody once asked me this question and I have been stumped on it, "Why don't you think you deserve to be happy Tony?" I have no idea.

How are you inspired?

I believe that it's not the movies itself that inspire us. The story that is told is the inspiration. Do you believe you are an inspiration to anyone? I believe you are. If for some reason you were no longer around, would you be missed by anyone? Of course you would be missed. Do you believe you inspired them at all? Inspiration is defined as arousal of the mind to special unusual activity or creativity. We may do that everyday and not realize it. It's a special thing.

You have to live everyday like it's special. It is a gift, because one day we won't be here. Our DNA gets carried down, but our thoughts and memories still continue to travel through each and every one of us. My Dad tells me stories about what his father did for him and he does the same for me. I believe I am inspired. I am inspired by everything.

I don't know....

Being strong and to be courageous can sometimes be quite contagious.
Being alive and being here is like a dream that we should all adhere.
Feeling empty and feeling hopeless sometime requires power and focus.
Being hurt inside, swallows your pride, something that we shouldn't have to coincide
with, we need that spark we need that fire, fills us with motivation and desire.
As I go to sleep, feelings run deep, pride I am swallowing is just too steep.
I close my eyes and I dream a dream of being near a ledge so I can scream.
I do look down, but I don't jump off, so is something inside me off.
As I awake in the morning to start a new day, I am thankful for this day.

I feel lost inside

I feel extremely lost inside. Lonely, I mean, LONELY! I sometimes hate posting on here. Only a few people read this, but man, it actually hurts right now. I don't think the quick two glasses of rum and coke in 15 minutes helped me either. It brought me to a state of zen until a friend asked me how I was and I actually thought about it. It depressed me severely. I believe in my heart that I will make one woman so happy. I try to look my best, from the gym, to buying new clothes to keeping my hygiene up to par. I wonder why alcohol is such an inhibitor.

There is so much I want to say sometimes, but am so afraid someone will discover the real me. I been having some fucked up dreams that I don't want to talk about. Let's just say I woke up from one so vivid I felt my heart drop as I awakened. I couldn't sleep for over an hour. I paced and walked in my room for a while. I hopped on the internet hoping the dream I had would stop haunting my thoughts. They were so surreal that I can still remember the end of it which still scares the shit out of me. I hope it will eventually leave my thoughts one day and when I read this I will wonder what I am talking about it.

If people read my real journal, I wonder what some of them would actually think. That has my true innermost thoughts in it. I would be afraid to lose it. I think certain people wouldn't talk to me anymore. Some people would wonder why there not in it. It's nothing personal, I think if you are not in it then that's a good thing, because if you are in it, it impacted me somehow, good or bad.

The gym changed me, for the better. I think one of the good things I am going to write about. I was on my way to the gym today driving and thinking about why I go. A good feeling swept through me like a chilled breeze on a hot summer day. I was in a trance. I zoned into the music I was listening to and finish my ride. At the gym, I stacked on an extra ten pounds on the to ab core. I can do 45 pounds where when I first started there was no weight on there. I can curl 100 pounds, could barely lift 60 when I started. Tomorrow is a heavy lifting day that the trainer has me do. It's honestly a extremely hard workout. Lots of cardio, keeping the cross trainer machine at resistance level 11 for 3 minutes, pedaling over 70 RPMs per minute take a lot out of you. I have to do that twice during my workout and finish it off with 15 more minutes of cardio. I am sometimes surprised that I can accomplish all this. My motivation for the gym is off the charts.

I need to go on a real vacation away from my current life. Of course I can't afford it. I want to sit in the sun and wallow in it's magnificient glory. I haven't had a tan in years because I was so embarrased on how fat I had become. I started losing weight because of a cruise to the Bahamas. How odd is that? A little cruise where I had a fabulous time turned my life around. It's those weird things that keep my on my toes. I need to start saving or at least head to the shore some days when I am off.

I don't want to work tomorrow. It's a cesspool of lazy people who stand around and expect you to do all the work while they get paid more and feel they been there longer so they shouldn't have to help. There are times I wanted to jump across the table and just ask my co-workers why they are there. I dread going and being there until the part timers get in. The fun loving group who work and have fun. People I can confide in a tad. I mean a tad. I don't want them knowing the part of me no one else does. It's the part most of them could never understand. There are times, I don't understand.

I have this feeling, well, I don't have a feeling. There is something I want to do so bad, but I am so afraid. It hurts me to think of the negative outcome that can come from it. The notion of having the courage to go and fall so flat on my face. I don't want that pain. I don't want that feeling. I want the goodness I feel I deserve. Better yet, wish I deserve. I know there are times I don't think I deserve to be happy. As if it's my job to be a burden on people because my search for happiness is never ending. I never honestly stopped and asked myself, "Why don't you feel you don't deserve to be happy Tony?" I honestly do not know. I will ponder upon this tomorrow.

I feel with all the alcohol I drank I will sleep like a baby. I can't believe in a few seconds I am going to click on publish. This is part of the real me people, enjoy.

Making things happen

Have you ever awakened one day and thought today was a good day for change? Change does not come overnight. I think I am deciding to change a few things about myself. I got nothing really major to say at the moment. Well, can things turn out like they do in the movies. Do you think people don't try because they are afraid of falling so hard it hurts? I wonder just about how to change what I am thinking.

I love Role Models and Paul Rudd is just flat out awesome. Anything with him in it is gold.

Another update

I finished the semester with an A in psychology, Algebra and C++. I only got a B in English. I was scared to no end before going and now I can conquer it head on. I feel a new breath in me that will allow me to finish college and advance to a better career in life.

The gym has been superb. I have lost almost 70 pounds. It has slowed down considerably, but the muscle I am gaining is crazy. I can lift a way more then I could, do push ups easily, cardio for over a half an hour without even hindering a bit. I am very proud. My diet has been the staple of all of this. It's not really a big secret either. Eat somewhat healthy, get good food in, still intake fat and carbs and exercise. I wish I could have taken more pictures of my progress. People's reactions to me is reward enough and shows people do pay attention.

Girlfriend? Lol, no. Dating? Yes. Successful? No. What was I expecting? Go on a few dates and meet my soul mate in a month. Realistically it doesn't happen that way. People I find myself interested in, have boyfriends, just want to be friends, or are flat out not my type (you find this out later on once you get to know them). What's the point of being a good person to someone, trying to show your interest, when they are a good person, but either don't realize it or are afraid. I keep using the term, "Clouded by anger," because I feel it's how I am sometimes. I try to always give the benefit of the doubt then someone has to go and prove me wrong. Enough of that drabble.

I have been going out a little more lately. Joined a meetup group, and been having a great time. It's been worth the trip and enjoy having a semi-charmed kind of life.

I have a wedding on Friday I am very excited for. A friend of mine I have known for over 5 years is getting married. I am going, my cousin, my best friend, and someone I asked to bring. I haven't been to a wedding since my best friend got married. I am really looking forward to this.

I can't think of much else that I want to talk about. You know, you can only get so personal until you realize the people you might be talking about read this. Then, well, you know. There is a fan that is on and some fecal matter tossed into the mix. I think toss could possibly act as a pun on this. I like it. Two thumbs up.

Online Dating Part 1

What has happened to dating today? All I see is people, beautiful people, ugly people, average people going on websites looking for love. Where have all the socialites gone? Are we breeding more people who will become socially inept? So many questions that are pondering my brain. I am also a victim of online dating. Growing up as a child you either had it or you didn't. It, as I reference as, would be referring to class, style, or just that ability to go up to the opposite sex and talk. How many of us have gone off to watch movies that deal with this sort of topic and start to develop good ideas then fall flat when it comes time for action?

I had the opportunity to try 3 specifically popular dating websites. I must say, it's not a WYSIWYG type of deal. There is more to profiles then the banter of someone showing off the best qualities they have. Wouldn't a more viable approach such as saving the best for last instead of typing about ALL your best qualities. It leaves nothing to the imagination and nothing to look forward to. If I told you what was going to happen word for word, how excited would you be honestly. I am betting not all that worked up. I read lots of profiles.....lies.......inadequacies.....utter nonsense of trying to meet your soul mate. It's rash how many characters they allow you to type. Sometimes people fill in the void by endlessly typing away hoping to not look so, bland. Short and sweet should be the key, like a normal conversation.

I hate to be a downer, but this isn't for everyone. It's definitely not for the millions of users who log on to these sites everyday in search of their "ideal" person. The ideal person you're looking most likely doesn't exist. I am sorry. "I want someone who is intelligent, makes good money, cares about his family, waxes is back and shaves his knuckles.....oh yeh, he has to be hot or cute." Tell me, how does this fit into your description? Oh, that's right, it doesn't. Honestly doesn't exist until years and you have to build trust on top of that. We all need to take the plunge and try it, but we need to mingle. Go out and meet people, humans, not pictures of people you wish to date. I think I would rather be rejected in public then in my living room in my boxers.

For Part 1 of this, it's just a small sample. Next time I plan on giving details about my experiences and about different ways to meet women besides online dating. Happy hunting.

Update

School is going good. I am passing all my classes. I am doing worse then I thought in Algebra due to stupid mistakes and kicking ass in English which I think I am horrible at. I had a Psychology test last week which I actually got an 86. That was a HUGE surprise and I psyched that I passed where most people actually failed the test. I have a C++ and Algebra test next week. I had 2 Algebra quizzes already and got a 93 and a 85. Kind of disappointing as they were really silly mistakes I could have skipped by rereading my material on the test. Oh well, I plan on acing the test next week. C++ is still unknown as I have been doing a lot of coding, but the test is not hands on. It is a paper test which makes me a tad worried because doing is different then staring at a piece of paper hoping to get the right answer. I am sure I will do fine. I just need to study like I have been.

The gym is going extremely well. I have lost almost 60 pounds. I am 1 pound off of 60. I see the trainer again next week to change my routine again. I also got another supplement called CellMass which seems to be working really well. I go everyday still and fills the empty void I feel when I got nothing to do :P.

I am done watching all my TV sitcoms that are available on NetFlix. Kind of disappointing as well that this is done with. I hope they update it with some new stuff that I haven't seen. I think Heroes is on there and I need to check the show out. These shows I am talking about are Instant Queue which means I stream them right from my XBOX360 since it has the capabilities. I get brand new movies mailed to me about once a week. Could be twice if I mailed them quicker. I started watching Newsradio which is ok, but I miss watching The Office already.

Gamefly seems to take forever to mail shit out. I did finish Bioshock. I returned Half-Life 2 though. It just wasn't enough for me so I sent it back. I did get Civilization Revolution which was better then I expected. It's worth buying as a greatest hits, but not as 59.99. I am trying to finish games I have. I finished Prince of Persia which was awesome. I am working on Dead Space right now and am on Chapter5 (those who played it know). After Dead Space I am going to work on Call if Duty World at War and the new game I get from Gamefly next. I also purchased Street Fighter IV for my PS3. It's a great game and works good with the PS3 controller. I put a pile of games on top of my 360 that I need to finish so I can either trade them in or put them in the never be played again pile. I just don't have the will to play like I use to.

That's mostly it for now. School, work, movies and some games every now and then. Still looking for someone. Going to take a while, but I got some time. Peace.

30 Rock and the Gym

New TV show that I have been watching with Netflix. I didn't think I was going to enjoy it. I must admit, I do not like it as much as The Office, but it has a certain something about it that makes it funny. Lots of guest starts, Tina Fey is hilarious and actually not too bad looking. I am almost done watching the seasons as there are only 2 available at the moment. Least when The Office and 30Rock are done I got something to watch when they are released.

I got a trainer 2 weeks ago at the gym. I figured since I plateaued with weight loss at the moment and I am kind of bored with my workout routine; I would get a trainer. A get 1 trainer session per month with my membership. First time I saw him, he was very cold and personally not friendly in the least. Then I think, I really don't want to be this man's friend. I want to be a client he tortures to the point where I want to quit going to the gym. The irony is I am not going to quit. I want him to push me till I am blue in the face, or red for that matter. He did just that on Tuesday. I thought the first routine he gave me was challenging. This new routine actually made me so red in the face and out of it I needed to take a break in between the session. I am still kind of sore from all that exercise. I must say though, I feel great about it. I have to do this routine every other day and it is very vigorous. I honestly do not know if I am going to be able to finish the routine tomorrow, but I am going to try my best to finish it. I hope in the next few months there is a huge impact where I can see the results. I know I will as long as I keep my attitude positive and keep with the trainer.

Well, that's shit for now. My next blog will most likely be on relationships and being 30+ looking for that someone. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. Even after all the improving there are still some internal things I need to improve on first. I will explain more later. I got a lot to do the next few days with school and work. Peace.

First day of college

I must say. It was a weird experience. I went to my first class which is Intermediate Algebra. Did fine there then had an hour and twenty minute break where I did all my Algebra homework already. Then I had my C++ course which I enjoy greatly. I don't know what it is about programming that I really enjoy. If I can I want to take more programming classes in the upcoming semesters. After that I have another hour and twenty minute break. I spent it in this cafe type area in the Madison building which is like the main building at CCC. Felt so weird I guess being 30 years old and feeling a tad out of place. No one to talk to really when most people are in there late teens or early twenties. My last two classes are psychology and English Composition. I must curse, FUCKING BORING!!! My English teacher makes watching paint dry kind of exciting. Listening to my William Shatner sound alike psychology teacher makes me hope Spock or someone will come in to beam him up out of there.

Sorry for the wall-o-text, but I think it's all related in the paragraph above. I have an essay to write already and 2 psychology chapters to read by Monday. Sounds like fun all while going to work for most of my day. I know, I'll stop bitching. Glad to have something to look forward to in a few years.

My math review for college

Of course I friggin passed. I got 2 wrong which is kind of crappy because I wanted to get them all. I have to go back to the one I know I definitely got wrong and see what I did. I start school 1/21/09. Should be exciting stuff. Now I have work from 11am till 8pm then the gym till 10pm. Jeez, I need to get out on Saturday.

The change and other random nonsense

I actually started school already. Well, sort of, I haven't been in school for over 8 years. I took a placement test and did great on all but Algebra. I got a 70, which apparently wasn't good enough. I have a week review of Algebra which is super easy since after being shown I am shocked I forgot all the formulas and all. I officially start 1/21/09. I almost have all my books. I am just starting my journey towards an Associate's Degree in Mathematics and a Bachelor's Degree in Education. Should be fun, I think .

I ended up getting a trainer at the gym. Completely changed my workout. I do full body workouts every time I go compared certain body parts everyday. I also was not giving my body enough time to heal, so every other day I lift, the other I do cardio in the form of cross trainer, treadmill or swimming. I see the trainer again on 1/20 to adjust my workout and bring more strength to my weak areas. I am excited. I can already see my chest getting stronger just by doing what he said. I am off balance which is another thing I am working on. The ab workout I am doing hurts like crap. I am scared to find out what he plans on adjusting for that one.

I am sad I just finished watching all 4 seasons of The Office available on Netflix. I absolutely loved it. I am trying to find a place I can watch the first 6 episodes of this season as 7-11 are easy to get. I found a site that had almost all of it but he last 15 mins which really sucks. I guess I will have to wait.

I am on my way from superworker to supervisor. Well, that's what the class is called anyway. I am getting a lot done and just got more stuff to do for work. I am beyond excited and not. I want to get it and another part of me doesn't. I am good at my job. I know I am, I get told, lots of good feedback form people I help that email the company about me which is a good feeling. Things at my job are good. Some times frustrating, but glad to have a job I am good at. I hope to get the supervisor job. If it doesn't happen, honestly, no biggie.

Almost everything seems to be cooking for me finally. Took a huge fire, but my ass is moving. I am only missing one more thing............